Your perspective

It's funny how we can hear something over and over without grasping it and then one day it just clicks. Walking down the road to catch a tuk tuk to work this morning, I had one of those lovely moments.

I've heard the old adage, "However you see the world, that is how it is" meaning that your perspective or outlook on things dictates how things are. If you're negative, then the world is a bad place. If you're afraid, then the world is scary, etc.

I feel like I have intellectually understood this saying for a longtime but this morning I felt a new, deeper understanding arise within me. As a shy person, the world has always felt to have a certain amount of threat. Whether that was learned or innate, I have always approached things with an underlying reticence. Leary of being hurt or rejected, I imbue the world with a feel of threat.

Somehow this morning I saw just how wrong this perspective is. In general, people are loving and accepting, and if they are not, it has nothing to do with me. Just by seeing the world as a loving, accepting place provides that sense of security that we all seem to seek (in various and invariably wrong ways). I don't need any solid ground under my feet because knowing that things are as they should be and people are all just doing their best to be happy and safe provides me all the security and acceptance in this world that I need.

What a delightful notion. :)

Stories

All the many stories I tell myself throughout the day. Stories I write, read and write again. It's amazing how much of our lives can be frittered away in a fantasy land completely built of stories.

The moments when the stories fall away is truly the only moment where I find peace. It's this moment. The stories melt away and I'm left with the present. My feet on the ground, my eyes newly opened, an awareness that is so rare yet feels so right.

Then stories about this moment arises or a questioning of it's rightness, a doubt that steals away the moment and weaves a story in it's place. So it goes, the give and take of being human. The experience we all share and yet the same experience which makes so many of us feel so isolated. Finding that connection, feeling that truth that makes us feel safe and cozy, yet brave and bold. A comfort that supports us yet pushes us to grow and explore.

Resting in the knowledge that everything is as it should be, we are all just the same despite the differences, and we are all just doing the best we can with what is.

Giving Thanks

Giving thanks for it all...especially that which is difficult to embrace. Giving thanks for the ups and downs and remembering to enjoy the ride all the while. Giving thanks for the change that comes, the new horizons and chances for growth. Giving thanks to those who challenge us and show us where we're stuck. Giving thanks to the opportunity of each new day to embrace it all with love and compassion.

How is that we only dedicate one day out of the year to giving thanks? One day to appreciate the other 364. One day to remind ourselves just how fortunate we are. To remember 364 days of life and wonder and appreciate every one for it's uniqueness.

It's too easy to focus on what is lacking, too easy to focus on loss and deficiencies. The challenge comes in finding gratitude for these losses, failures, and deficits. For seeing the opportunity they present and all that the give in return for what is lost. It's not an easy task but it is one that life will force upon us with unforeseen and undesired change. The key is being able to see the varying sides of the coin rather than fixating on the negative.

Sitting with It

This idea of sitting with what is, seems to me to be one of the most profound and yet one of most important lessons I could ever learn. It helps to be in a place where there is no other option but regardless it does allow me to see that all things pass. This pain, this pleasure, this moment, all pass away leaving me here in it's path.

If I can choose to sit and be with it, experience it with all the good, bad, delicious, and yucky....I can see that I none of this is who I am and none of it will forever remain. I can see my reactions, feel my reactions and let them too pass. It's never easy but it is slowly becoming habit to see and experience these emotions rather than be swept blindly away by them.

I know that I have a habit of seeing the world as a dangerous place and a source of suffering. The problem is that this view then gets reflected back at me and this is what the world hands over. I question when positive things come my way. Instead of graciously accepting them, fearing their lose and clinging to them mercilessly. Especially with love. This feeling of not deserving or disbelief that I can have something this good cause me to push it away and lose it in the end.

I have been working with counteracting these negative thoughts and views of the world. I do think it will take time and rather than regretting the past, I need to just learn my lessons and look to new opportunity.

Focus

I had this great insight yesterday, nothing new or novel but just that flash on insight that happens and reminds you that every insight needs to be rediscovered in the next moment rather than tucked away as something I already know.

I was thinking about life and all the various factors and components and how everything is constantly changing and shifting. I just realized how much I tend to focus on what is lacking in my life rather than what I have. Living in Lao I have missed family and friends a great deal and missed having a romantic relationship, yet when I go back to the states, am around family and friends and am in a new relationship, I will be wishing I were traveling or having some adventure or trying something new. We always want what we don't have and tend to focus our energy on that rather than on all the amazing things we do have to celebrate.

I am living in an amazing country, I've made amazing friends and learned a great deal. I have plenty of money, shelter, food and people who love me, even if they're halfway around the globe. Gratitude, to me, seems to be the simple act of shifting this focus from what's supposedly lacking to all that is. Focusing on what is and appreciating it for what it is.

But then again, to go even further than that, is to realize that I'm complete and whole just as I am without any need for external things at all. Accept and relishing my perfection in this moment without stipulation or adjustment, just as it is.....in every moment.

Basic Facts

Tonglen is a type of meditation and practice that encourages a feeling of interconnectedness and compassion for all living creatures. It can be a formal practice or something more applicable to daily life. Recently I've been improving my ability to do Tonglen on the spot in every day life. It's a great way to share love and joy or to help feel less alone in times of suffering or pain.

I went to the American consulate yesterday and for maybe the first time in my life had a true appreciation of how fortunate I am to be born an American. I think it's something I've taken for granted most of my life and it is easy to do so until you have the chance to see things from the other side. I sent out the amazing sense of security and gratitude that I felt recognizing how lucky I am just based on where I was born.

Later, I similarly took a moment to send out the delight of an ice cold glass of water on a hot, sweaty day, and wished that all humans world wide could enjoy that.

It's humbling to realize that simple things like a clean, safe, cold glass of water are not universally available. It puts things in perspective and can't help but grow compassion for all the people who so often due without.

If we could teach the idea of Tonglen, compassion, and interconnectedness to our children, how could that not change the world for the better in a very significant way? Just the deep knowledge that we, as humans, are all on this same crazy journey and share the same emotions, pains, and joys is enough to drastically alter the way we interact with the world. How have we become so disconnected with this very basic fact and how would the world change if we could all rediscover it?

Knowing Thy Self

I'm always amazed when I find myself learning things about the way I work. I know that it shouldn't come as any surprise, because there are so many layers of ourselves that we deny and keep hidden away but the moment of realizing habits, patterns, and conditioning of mine is always an amazing experience. It's feels like a window is opened a tiny bit more light is shed upon who I am and why I do what I do. It's amazing because it also brings with it compassion, love, and understanding. With each new pattern or habit uncovered, I feel my self-compassion grow. I see how I cause myself suffering and how easily I can release that habit just by acknowledging it, having compassion for it and releasing it.

With that same idea, compassion for all people can grow as I know every human being has patterns and habits just as I do. Patterns that cause unnecessary suffering and pain. Patterns that can be released with compassion, love, and acknowledgement.

I am not alone with my struggles or my conditioning. And neither is who I am. Habits and conditioning that have caused suffering in the past need not be repeated in the future. By seeing them, acknowledging them and releasing them, I can choose a different path. A path of self-love, compassion, and acceptance. A path that spreads to encompass as human beings who have similar conditioning, habits and suffering.

People

I ran into a friend today who is similar to me in that she seems uncomfortable around people and while we get along, I obviously do not put her at ease. While doing yoga at the gym I thought about this and thought about the comment I have made in the past about not liking people. It's interesting because like so many things, it really is not about people at all, but about my perception of them and the stories I tell myself. People scare me. I'm afraid of rejection and not being loved. Ever person I interact with is an opportunity for rejection....or at least that is the internal story behind my dislike of them. If something represents a threat to you, it's highly unlikely that you will like that thing. However, many people see people as friends they haven't met yet, opportunities to make a friend, get a date, or have a pleasant interaction. That's it. That's the difference, it's all about the internal dialogue and association you make with something. People are scary or people are opportunity. This goes for all things that I dislike. I dislike them for the way they make me feel, yet nothing can make me feel a way without my consent and usually due to my thoughts, feelings, actions.

So, it's all about undoing the conditioning that has gotten me to this point. We all have aversions and that aversion is only founded in the stories we tell ourselves about it, whether it's people, heights, relationships, mushrooms, etc. It's all about seeing these aversions clearly and for what they are and working to undo the conditioning that put them in place. If we don't. If we avoid that which we are averse to, the aversion only grows. I have found this too. The more I interact with unfamiliar people, the more comfortable I get with the unfamiliarity and even come to enjoy the experience of connecting with someone new. I think this could expand to unfamiliar groups, which tends to be more difficult.

A similar thing yet on the other end of the spectrum, is that I realized while on the treadmill at the gym that my old aversion of house music has changed since I've been using it as motivation when running. Something that used to make me feel anxious now gives me energy. It's all about our perception. And perceptions can change just with the insight that they exist.

Embrace it all

Learning to embrace this moment with its good bad and indifferent. Feeling glad to be alive. Glad to be where I am and appreciating all that has led me here. Knowing this where I should be and appreciating the whole adventure of life. Releasing the need to dictate things or fight for my own way. Just allowing things to unfold as they should. Knowing all is as it should be.

Choosing Positivity

Everyone brings their own outlook on life, seeing it through a particularly colored lens. And while we hope to remove the lenses all together and see things as they truly are, if that isn't yet possible, why not see the world in a positive light?

Positive or negative, attitudes seem to be contagious. I know that working somewhere like Lao, where frustrations run high, it can be easy to get sucked into complaining and negativity. I hadn't noticed how I much do that until new staff arrived with fresh, positive attitudes.

So with this realization, I am seeing that I need to make a conscious, mindful effort to bring more positivity into my life. I can choose to look on the bright side of things and lose the habit of negativity. All things are a combination of positive and negative, it's just a matter of choosing what aspect to focus upon.

Steps to positivity. Like any good habit change, you need to have plan, take baby steps and be compassionate when you have difficulties. So I plan to:

1. Start a gratitude journal to write in every night and read every morning.
2. Wake up to positive music or dharma to get me in the right mindset.
3. Ask friends to remind me when I'm being negative.
4. Avoid the negativity trap when someone else is headed down that road.
5. Be mindful of my mindset. Check in every few hours and see if I'm ruminating and being negative.

Thirty days to a new habit. Let's see how it goes.

Exercise as Self-Love

I had a great realization this morning at the gym. If you can see exercise as a way of taking care of your body and evidence of self-love rather than as a monotonous obligation or a means to become more attractive, it changes the whole dynamic. I feel like yoga and similar types of exercise are more commonly portrayed in this manner, as a means of self-love and appreciation and celebration of the body, but I believe that this extends to all exercise and well beyond that.

Every time I eat a healthy meal or avoid something full of chemicals and artificial additives, I'm loving myself. I'm choosing my healthy and body over a little instant gratification. It's interesting though, despite this fact, that eating well and exercising regularly are good for us, so many people choose not to do these simple tasks. I know there have been times when these things lose priority for me. But in reflection, those times were also some of the most difficult for me.

My whole world was a little off kilter. My priorities were not where they need to be and as a result I wasn't doing my utmost to honor and love myself. I feel so fortunate to see this now and have direction and influences that lead me to loving myself in the most practical way I know how. By treating my body well and giving it what it needs to thrive. And by challenging it in ways it has never been challenged before.

I find myself drawn to the idea of the mind/body connection. If we can work with both our mind and our body to the best of our ability, I think we and the world as a whole would be a much more enjoyable place. Finding the balance of giving to both your mind and body and being able to tune in to them in such a way that you can see where you are stuck, where you are struggling, and where needs your attention is the key to working with ourselves and loving ourselves completely.

I am feeling extremely grateful and appreciative of my body and my mind and the many insights I find that help be love them better and more fully every day.

Watering your Seeds

There is a dharma talk that revolves around the idea that we all have all kinds of seeds in our minds. Positive ones, negative ones, etc. It's all about choosing to water the seeds you want to grow. So that whatever we do on a daily basis, those are the seeds we are choosing to water. If we are positive, lighthearted, and going with the flow, then we tend to maintain these positive ways. If we are negative, angry, and constantly ruminating on past hurts, then we tend to become more angry and negative.

I just had a great moment of insight catching myself watering my negative seeds and felt the cloud lift as I consciously decided to think more positively and focus on things more productive. It's hard to imagine that it can really be as simple as making the effort to change where in your mind you spend your time. I could focus on my fear and past hurts or I can focus on potential, opportunity and ways I can help myself out.

I think these habits are in large part adopted from your parents and how you were raised. I read a book about habits recently that talks about the way people express themselves and how that is a learned characteristic. Some people are gregarious and open with their emotions while others are reserved and have greater difficulty expressing emotion. This is tied to how one's parents act.

But like all learned behavior, it can be modified and/or unlearned if we put in the time and effort. I can choose to be a more optimistic person by choosing to think more positive thoughts. I can loose my negative tendencies by dropping the negative worries and letting those habits fade.

It all starts with awareness of where you currently are and what your mind is doing. If you don't see the habits, you have no chance of breaking them. Giving my mind some much needed compassion for it's tendency toward negativity. Giving it the space and freedom to find a more positive way.

It's personal

Watching myself react when my ego feels personally affronted in a practice in compassion. Compassion for my ego and it's desperate need to defend itself. Compassion for all humans who struggle with this in various ways, some more than others. In general, I don't think of my ego as a big problem, I have other issues that are more prevalent, but even so, when directly offended, my ego takes no prisoners.

Recently, a colleague made comments about an activity my organization ran and was extremely negative and offensive in a number of ways. I found it irritating and frustrating but was easily able to disconnect and see his comments for what they were without needing to react or respond to cause continued suffering. However, in another email, this same person then made a comment directly insulting myself. What a difference that makes?

The urge to fight back and defend myself was overwhelming. Even as I could see it for what it was, I couldn't stop the justification that this man was WRONG and needed to be corrected. Funny isn't it. When things get personal or are taken personally, it becomes a whole different situation. I think that's why relationships are so difficult. By becoming so close with someone, partner, friend, family, the barriers come down and things get personal. Is there a way to step back from this and see that it isn't ever really personal? It's more about the person doing, saying, being than the subject of the comment, action, etc.

What I do or say to another person reflects only upon myself, the subject of my actions has no personal connection to my actions. This is difficult to remember and difficult to adapt into life. But practicing seeing the action of personalizing things goes a long way to reduce suffering. People can say or do whatever they want to me (as long as it's not physically harmful) and it's not hurtful unless I allow myself to take it personally and allow myself to be hurt. In addition to allowing the hurt, we often pile on extra suffering by berating ourselves for the supposed shortcoming.

If we can see that we are doing the best we can, are being the best we can, then that is enough.

Finding space

Just even a tiny step back from your experience can give you much needed space to see your reactions, your emotions, how caught up you are. We all have those things in life that have a special hold on us. Those things that have the power to shake us to the core without so much as a flick. I find myself practicing more and more with giving this space. Seeing that we tend to close down around things when truly we have all the space in the world. Nothing is black or white no matter how hard we try to paint it that way. I think I tend to think in black and white and a gray world is difficult for me. But when I give the gray a little space to breath and flow, I find that it has all the space in the world. Nothing is so hard, so fixed, so important as it seems.

I am trying to live my life with more ease. Let things come and go easier. Allowing more, controlling less. Desired outcomes only lead to disappointment. We all know that it never goes as planned, but that's what makes life interesting. Allowing room for the change and flow of life, allows us to breath and experience the lightness of freedom.

This year has felt like one big, long uncertainty to me. The funny thing is that life is always uncertain, I'm just experiencing a reality closer to the truth than I have in the past. My future has always been uncertain, I only imagined it to have any solidity. But as I move into the next few months, there are big decisions to be made, directions to choose, and life changes ahead. I find myself excited and scared. Petrified at times, hopeful and hopeless, and giddy with possibilities. I'm working to embrace the ride and get in touch with the self that knows which direction I truly want and need to take.

I tend to be good at seeing all sides of a story rather well....but this often leads to indecisiveness or difficulty choosing the "right" option. Maybe I can let go of the idea of right option and choose what feels good and know that it will be just as it should be.

Tonglen and finding connection

I've been listening to Pema talk about being grateful to everyone and she spends a lot of time discussin how disconnected we often are. How we are constantly surrounded by people yet are indifferent to them. No love, no compassion, no connection with our shared humanity. I feel this way often. There are so many people on this earth and we are all part of of the same flow an energy, yet it's so easy to fall into me vs them and opposition. Fear that they make take what I want or need or jealousy over something they have. I can be so closed and protective of myself. But why? Do I have any evidence that this actually works to protect me. No. Habitual I suppose and a habit I want to break. Tonglen is helpful in that it allows me connection, even if only in my head and heart. The next step is to make the effort to reach out, open up and connect. I always enjoy this when I am brave enough. When I let down the walls and make let people in. People just want to be happy and safe like I do. Nothing to fear. Right now I'm doing Tonglen for all those poor tourists like me who are cooked to a crisp and in sunburn agony, I'm sending out aloe Vera.

Daily Practice

I seem to go through phases of being diligent and committed to a strong daily practice and then stumbling and letting it fall by the wayside when life gets busy. I then have to remind myself to be gentle and forgiving with myself and not be to hard on myself.

I do find that having a daily practice has led to me using mindfulness, tonglen, and self-love more in every day life when I'm off the cushion. So even when the daily practice gets left aside briefly, I should reflect at how it is growing and integrating itself into daily life and how I live my life. That is the goal after all.

It also helps to have people to connect with about these things. I notice that when I have people I discuss meditation, etc. with I am more likely to make it a larger part of my life. Having a sangha, spiritual partners, and a spiritual community in general is very helpful. It's not easy to always make it the most important aspect of one's life, even if we know and feel that this would be the best use of the rest of our lives.

I was saddened to lose my Android as it's biggest role in my life currently is the means by which I listen to Pema and dharma talks. Luckily, I'll get a similar replacement soon and I'm sure I can make do in the mean time. It just shows how valuable Dharma talks are to me and the ability to take them to work, on my bike or to massages with me.

I think it all comes down to the little ways we use our practice to soften up and open to the world. Even those habits can harden into attachment if we allow it. Flexibility in all things. :)

Stress and struggles

Life has ups and downs, as we all know all too well. I feel like I am continually getting better at seeing my reactions, seeing my stress levels rise and not going down that path. I see the connection between current stress and seemingly unrelated desires. The feelings aren't any less sticky or powerful, but I find myself feeling greater distance and space from them.

Baby steps in the right direction. Finding peace where I am, with myself as the loving center of it all. Letting go of desires and seeking things to be different or pursuing material things that don't bring happiness.

I also find myself being more and more truthful with myself and to be honest, am at times, overwhelmed with deeply held beliefs I didn't know I had. Exploring these beliefs, seeing their error and releasing them.

Finding freedom through openness and love.

Small changes

It's amazing to stop and look back at where you've been and where you're going. I feel like things are constantly in motion, changing but really it's the big changes that make the little changes all the more visible. Big changes are scary because they are usually so abrupt, where as smaller day to day changes creep up on you without much notice.

Embracing change is a key to happiness and acceptance. I'm practicing with accepting little changes, in hopes, that bigger ones will get easier. Sitting with the change, with the not knowing, the fear of a future. It's funny how the mind can fall into optimism for something new, great and exciting or fall into fear of failure, loss and pessimism. I tend to oscillate between the two and am trying to actively invite optimism and hope rather than fear.

Realizing that nothing solid and never will be. I could find my happily ever after just to watch it change and change again. The only happily ever after is the one that accepts whatever is with love and joy!

Moral Dilemmas

While away this weekend, we had some great moral dilemma discussions. One of the guys on the trip brought along a book that gives little stories presenting a moral dilemma and then an academic discussion of the dilemma. Interesting how opinionated people can be.

I struggle with thinking that it's good to have an opinion and be able to defend and justify it but I also feel like it's good to see all sides of a perspective and not hold so tightly to one's opinions. Aren't these opinions and believes we hold to so strongly the same thing that causes war, suffering and hate?

But then, without opinions are we just puttering along, easily swayed in various directions without any true center or direction?

I don't know. I know I tend to be a people pleaser and have an easy time seeing multiple perspectives (usually). I tend to waffle on things because I can see how both sides of an argument have good points. I do tend to be able to make a decision or take a side when required, but it isn't something I naturally do. I don't tend to assert an opinion and defend it. Partially because I tend to avoid conflict and partially because I lack the passion to do so.

Passion is an interesting term. It is so often used in the positive context. Passionate about your career, etc. Yet Buddhism tends to see passion as the opposite of hate, and associate it with craving and longing. Is it possible to have passion without craving and attachment? I don't know.

Passion could also be seen as the opposite of indifference, which again is not desirable in that it is simply disengaging with the world. We need to engage passionately, but without attachment to outcomes. We can argue our point, as long as we aren't attached to it.

Making Me Feel

I just caught myself having the thought "I don't like the way this person is making me feel." Funny isn't it. This person, who sent my a rather rude email that seemed to have an accusatory/angry intention, wasn't making me feel anything. I was feeling an emotion as a result to the message sent, but it was my emotion and I have no way of knowing the sender's intention in the first place.

Likely, this person was trying to fine happiness for himself via the email.....regardless of the roundabout silly methodology that got him there. That's the point isn't it? Have more compassion and understanding because you can't know where someone is coming from but you can know that he or she just wants to be happy, just like you.

People hurt each other constantly and truly this hurt is always fueled by the desire to find happiness. How absurd! I try to remember this when I'm hurting or feeling pain due to someone elses actions, statements, etc. I can not know their intention and can choose how I let their actions affect me. I am not a mind reader and don't need to be. Give the benefit of the doubt, assume people are just trying to be happy and love them regardless.

Manipulating the View

It's amazing how we all go through live perceiving that the way we see the world is how it actually is. We just assume that whatever glass through which we perceive things, is the same glass the rest of the world is using.

Needless to say, when we stop and actually consider this idea, we see how absolutely absurd it is. No one sees the same world I do. No one has the same life experiences I do that have built my perception of the world slowly over many many years.

We all see the world in our own way, through our own opinions, emotions, experiences, etc. and luckily, we all also have the ability to change the way we see the world. The first step is realizing that our perception is not inherently true or right. Our perception is not without bias or false colorings. Thus, we must question every thing we see, feel and experience. We much questions what our minds tell us and we must question what false perceptions we overlay over the truth of what is.

We all have the ability to change our perception. Whether in small ways or in global larger manners. Just the other day I was feeling sad about something I have been missing. Something I use to share with a particular person and was sad to think that I won't get to have the shared experience again. But then I realized that that is okay, it's a positive experience and one I can share with someone else in the future. Things are forever changing so the habit of regret and sadness over things lost is useless. I have decided to change my view to see these things as something I can share with someone else or experience and enjoy myself. Something I have gained from the experience, nothing is lost, only kept as a memory.

Extremes

I tend to think in extremes. As in, always, never, all or nothing type thinking. If I take a moment to really consider this, I can see that these never really apply, as things are constantly changing moment to moment. There is no black and white, only lots of shades of grey.

These all or nothing thoughts and ways of the seeing world are not accurate and do not portray the world as it really is. It is a method for trying to find security, stability and guarantees. None of which we have.

Rest in the gray....know that things are always changing, good or bad, nothing is forever. Good comes and goes just as bad does. It's all just part of the dance, part of the swirling grey mess that we call life. Ups and downs, it's all good. It's all just as it should be and it's all changing all the time.

Not looking Outside Anymore

In working with self-love and finding inner strength and peace, I see just how difficult this is for me. I truly see this being my strongest and most difficult habit to change. I can't remember a time when I didn't look outside for love, support, strength, encouragement, etc. I feel like I have always told myself the lie that I don't need anyone and am fine on my own without others support, encouragement, etc. but I never truly felt or believed it.

I so desperately want to uncover, appreciate and embrace that part of me. The self-love and acceptance that allows me to find all the love, peace, joy and freedom I need within myself without external influences.

I feel like this simple task of feeling completed and utterly loved on my own would allow me to heal so much of what causes suffering in my life. All this desiring of things and people, all this need for acceptance and appreciation from others, all this seeking connection and support....it all stems from not seeing myself as being complete and loved on my own.

This desperate seeking for completion from the outside only serves to promote the idea that I am incomplete and in need of "other". There is no other, we are all connected, interconnected and complete and lovable on our own. I don't need anyone to tell me this or show me this. I am all the love that I could ever want.

Finding Joy

I think we all share the habit of the "if only I had........then I would be happy." I know that I find myself doing it all the time. Postponing happiness until x, y or z happens. I have been working lately to remind myself that if past history is any indicator (and it surely is) x, y, and z bring their own set of problems and reasons to be discontent.

There is no magical bullet. That new purse, car, relationship, job, pay raise....will NOT make me happy if I'm not happy now.

However, like all old, well-honed habits, this one is going to take awhile to break and need constant diligance. Every time my mind seeks something outside myself with a tiny (or voracious) hope that it will bring true happiness....I need to gently remind it that nothing outside myself can bring me the peace of mind and utter joy I so desire.

Only by letting go of these external circumstances and realizing the truth that peace can only be found by looking within, will I realize the joy I seek.

Looking Honestly

With a new found desire to look at myself honestly, I find myself stumbling upon things I previously have justified and pushed away. I am seeing more clearly that the parts of others that rub me wrong or tend to push my buttons, are often the same parts of myself that I hide and tuck away.

Not to dredge out my dirty laundry here, but it is remarkable how self-righteous I can feel when criticizing others (aloud or in my head) when truth be told, I am just as guilty of the same things. They may not be my big issues or something that I do often but they are part of my shadow self, a self I try to keep tucked away and hidden.

What kind of place would the world be like, if we could all take a step back and see our shadow selves? See our dirty little secrets, are ways of injuring others and ourselves, our inaction, anger and lust....and then embrace it all and make the vow to love ourselves in spite of it all but with an intention to reduce our own suffering and that of others.

To see honestly the suffering we cause, take responsibility for it, and take action toward right action. I plan to work toward this and I hope you'll join me.

The Reason

That moment of understanding why something that could be considered less than good happened and appreciating the good that has come of it.

I was at the gym this morning, running, and was appreciating that dislocating my ankle in January was a blessing in disguise. It made me appreciate my young, healthy, beautiful body for what it is rather than taking it for granted as I had been doing recently.

It made me realize that I need to be taking better care of my body and appreciating it while it's young and healthy, as that will not always be the case. So I started running. At first it was just a way to rehabilitate my ankle and get some exercise but now it has become something more than that. It's a way of respecting my body, appreciating it, and enjoying it's abilties.  

I've also started doing yoga daily. Initially for the benefits of keeping my achilles limber and trying to get my ROM back. Along with that has come other mental benefits as well and a habit I hope to keep for a lifetime.

It just goes to show that things do happen for a reason and everything does occur just as it should. Despite the pain, mental or physical, that may be required to reach this point. It is not without purpose and when seen in that light can be a turning point and a seed for growth and change.

I think it's easy to get swept up in sadness, self-pity, and victimization when things are going wrong or you're hurt. But if we can only embrace it as part of the path, it may take us to a stronger, clearer and lighter path than we ever thought possible.

My ankle still hurts, don't get me wrong. My achilles screams at me when I over do it and run for too long or stretch beyond my limits. But I treat it tenderly, I accept the soreness and know it's part of the recovery, part of the growth and is actually a positive sign as long as I listen to it and treat it with compassion.

It's all part of this beautiful path and needs to be embraced as such. I'm loving you today my sore little ankle.

Buddhism and all it's trappings

Yesterday was the start of Buddhist lent in Laos. This means that their were extensive ceremonies all around the city at various temples. These ceremonies happened to start at 4 am and involve load drumming, chanting over a loud speaker, and blaring music. They also involved Lao people buying gifts and food to donate to the monks.

I was definitely a little razed yesterday morning when I was ushered out of bed way too early. I hopped on my bike and headed to work, all the while watching my mind rant about Buddhism and Lao people.

I was watching my mind tell me stories about how religion (any and all religions) can be exploited by silly humans. We turn something as good as the dharma into a means to buy good karma, just as Christians and Catholics exploit their own beliefs to acquire wealth or dictate human behavior.

We use our beliefs (Buddhist or otherwise) to justify how we act and have some backing and rationalization about why we do what we do. It's amazing what you can justify...in fact I would say that most anything can be justified if we spin our beliefs the right way.

For example, in Lao, people won't stop to help at the traffic accident because their beliefs tell them that if they do and someone there dies, it will negatively affect their karma.

Now how did something like that come from Buddhism. How did it get spun in such a selfish way?

The funny thing is that we can't often see our own ways of exploiting our beliefs or manipulating them to justify something that isn't necessarily correct or loving. We are often very blind to these ways in which we deceive ourselves. I know I am. I am working to change that but it's so difficult to see your own blind spots. I think that is where we need to have loving people in our lives to help us see where we are stuck, instead of maintaining old habits.

I was thinking the other day about the idea of laughing at our old habits and seeing them for what they are. Pausing in the moment and choosing a different path. With every action, we can see how we are perpetuating our old habits and making them more ingrained and choose to go down a different path. We can choose a new way of being, doing and thinking. Every moment we have this opportunity. If only we can take the time to pause and consider our motivations, actions, and how they affect us and other people.

Indifference

This idea of how we are all so very indifferent to the people around us. We are surrounded by people constantly and yet are often completely indifferent of them. We don't connect with them, feel for them or engage in any way. Even the idea of looking around you and acknowledging that we are all part of the same thing and in this together so to speak.

Part of me sees this and feels how true it is and how liberating and emotionally satisfying it can be to acknowledge and embrace this truth. Another part of me feels scared. Scared that engaging too much will deplete myself. I feel a wall that is inside me trying to keep out connection and interaction with others that I worry I won't be able to handle.

I think my "shyness" as it is often labeled comes from this fear of engaging with others, worried that they will exhaust, overrun, and deplete me. I feel the need to maintain a wall and prevent connection in order to prevent this from happening.

Can I try letting down this wall and seeing how it goes? Can I acknowledge that I am not a finite source and can not be depleted? Can I see that if I do feel overwhelmed or exhausted I can easily retire to myself and recharge? Can I see that connecting with others will not deplete me but give me a greater sense of connection, love and embracing life?

I think this is both a learned habit (from my parents) and also something born into my personality. I think the key is to acknowledge and accept it while also seeing that it is nothing to fear or avoid. I can work with it in small ways and be more aware of when this fear causes me to avoid things, people or put up a wall to maintain distance.

The exhaustion I often feel from interacting with others comes not from them but from me. From my need to maintain distance and constantly check myself. From my constant worry of what they will think of me. Rather than allowing my self and spirit to be free and bloom on their own. I spend ridiculous amounts of energy trying to keep them in check and examining myself and others reactions.

Give up the fight, Cody. Relax into it and let it be.

Doesn't Come From the Outside Anymore

The realization that the outside, the circumstances of life will never make you happy. No matter how perfect, how pleasurable, how ideal they are. Circumstances are bound to change and bound to disapoint. Perfection, itself is a myth. There is no perfect partner, perfect job, perfect life. Without the negatives, there would be no positives. Yet we all constantly strive to line our ducks up in a row in just such a way to find perfection and avoid pain. Why? Why do we do this relentlessly knowing that it won't work?

We all have our own method of doing this. Some people are seekers. Constantly seeking pleasure in food, people, money, etc. Others are avoiders, constantly pushing away that which is undesirable. Then other people just remove themselves and act indifferent to life in general.

I think we all do these to a certain degree in different ways depending on were we find pain, pleasure and what we all together avoid.

The realization that none of these actions of moving toward and away will ever bring true happiness. Finding that perfect job, partner, house, car, body will never bring the type of happiness acceptance of what is will. It's the striving that causes so much of the suffering. If we could let go of the striving and accept the good and bad of this moment, we could find eternal peace.

I think some of us know this and yet subtly think to ourselves "okay I'll accept everything as it is but I'll also just strive a little bit after this attractive person, or strive a little bit toward my perfect relationship." Why is it so hard to let go of the grasping? I know I lie to myself about it. I tell myself I'm content and that getting a new partner or another job won't fix anything. But I also see myself longing for things, people, and circumstances. It's as if, I have yet to truly accept that I already have everything I need.

Lying to ourselves. Brutal honesty. So much easier said than done. I was just telling myself the other day that I'm not vain and am not caught up in aesthetics of myself and others. But then I watch my mind when I go to the gym or when someone compliments me or flirts with me. I see my ego expand and enjoy the pleasure of being desired.

It's all about trying to see ourselves more honestly. Seeing where we're deceiving ourselves. Seeing where we're lying. Why is it so much easier to see someone elses lies about themselves?

I can easily see when someone else is getting their ego stroked and trying to tell themselves they are altruistic or it's not about them. It seems so much easier to see another person's justifications to themselves but so difficult to see our own. I guess that's why we stay stuck. It's difficult to see where you're stuck when you're in the middle of it. It's easier just to avoid the difficulties and seek the pleasures rather than take an honest look at what motivates you.

Pain as a Blessing

This morning listening to Pema talk about compassion and pain, I realized that we can shift our thinking to see pain as a blessing. Pain, regardless of whether it's mental, physical or other, is the root of compassion for our fellow man. She was talking about using Tonglen for Leprosy or Aids patients and how the pain of their disease can be their salvation at the same time.

If you can use your pain as a means to feel, see and appreciate the pain of all humans, you are able to open with love and compassion to all beings who have at one point or another experienced pain too. If you never knew pain, you could not find this same love and compassion.

It turns things around by seeing our pain (all of it, the big lifelong aches or the minor inconveniences) as a means to open and get in touch with compassion and love for everyone and their pain.

I know that the things in my life that have caused me pain have really been blessings and the reason I pursue spiritual teachings and have brought me to where I am today. If I can only see these pains as means to enlighten and means to find compassion, using it for good rather than dwelling in it.

I can find compassion for all people with mentally ill relatives (which according to statistics is 1 in 3 people) and people who have lost someone they love. I can find compassion for people with chronic illness that impedes them from living a normal life.

Truly when I look at my pains in this light, I can find compassion for everyone. For every human has experienced some of the pains I too have experienced. Using pain to cultivate compassion, now that's a good use of the rest of my life.

Giving

I am what I give, not what I receive.

I definitely have a habit of seeking comfort, happiness and security outside of myself. I also tend to blame others if they are not giving me what I need.

The idea of changing your thinking, so that I give what it is that I want to receive. I give love. I give acceptance. I give time and loyalty. All of this reflects back on me and shows who I am. Rather than constantly seeking, as if I am empty and lacking.

I think this is essential in all relationships. Giving to the to the other rather than seeking what they can provide you with. I plan to try this today in my relationships. Giving what I need. Listening when I need to feel heard. Communicating when I need to know what they are feeling. Loving and accepting who they are in this moment.

Letting it Pass

I am getting much better at seeing my emotions and letting them pass. They still carry me away a bit, but I am finding ways to limit what action I take. Instead of jumping in and doing the habitual thing, I write down my feelings and desired actions. This allows me to express them and seems to help with letting the emotion pass more quickly rather than becoming a source of rumination.

I notice how much better I  feel having allowed the emotion to run it's course without perseverating on it or acting it out. It feels like a sense of relief where as previously I would often make an impulsive action or statement and then feel a certain amount of dread or regret at being so impulsive. I am learning to let the impulse pass and wait until the feeling dissipates to look at the situation and determine if action is required or would be useful.

This is an exciting step and change for me. I feel like it will positively effect most areas of my life, especially particular areas where I tend to be more impulsive and emotional. It feels like I am giving away a burden I otherwise must carry. The feelings still come, but I can now see and know that like everything, they will change and pass. There's nothing to get so riled up about. It's all just passing clouds and my mind can continue to grasp or push away, but I can see this action and don't need to let my actions follow my mind.

Grief and Strength

I feel like I've spent my entire life with a certain amount of grief that I hide away. It's something I think I have long tried to deny or minimiz as much as possible. I don't know if that is the best way to work with it though. I wonder if it doesn't just come up in other ways.

My mom's illness has long been a source of great pain for me. When she's ill, I feel sad about all that she has lost and I have lost by not having her in my life. When she's well, I feel sad for her sadness and loss (my dad, the many years she can't remember). It's so hard to see or talk to her either way.

I think this grief permeates the rest of my life in a lot of ways. I fear losing people that I love and get too attached, or I avoid getting attached at all and opening up to people.

I am not sure how to work with this pain, as it is often just a background hum of sadness and loss.

I guess it is similar the story of a monk who inadvertantly cause someone to take his own life. When asked how he got that feeling to go away, he thought about it and said that he didn't. The feeling of sadness and remorse never went away. He just didn't resist it or deny it. He learned to accept the cherish it as much as the positive feelings.

I guess I need to be more accepting of my grief for my mom and know that it is just a demonstration of my love for her. If I stop resisting the pain, perhaps it will be more manageable and I can start to see how it seeps into other aspects of my life and be more aware. I can accept that I and my brother are doing the best we can with what we have and trying to help our mom as much as we can. That is all we can do and the pain is natural. To not feel pain would be abnormal.

Pain is not the bad guy. In this situation or any other, pain is the other side of joy and love. You can not have one without the other. This why relationships can be so hard. To love someone is to give them the ability to cause you pain. To open to them with the possibility that they may hurt you. It's a very brave thing to do. Loving is choosing to accept both sides of the coin love and pain equally.

I have to accept that I love my mom and my grief and sadness are just evidence of that. Pushing away the pain is similar to pushing away my love for her. Both are impossible. Let the resistance go, accept what is openly and try to embrace it.

Resting in What Is

The more I watch my mind, the more I find it sweeps me away. I find peace as I gently return myself to my current moment, my current breath, my current self.

Resting here in this moment feels like home. It feels warm and snuggly. My mind seeks a future and relives a past, but my happiness is here, now. It always has been and always will.

In looking back, I realize that even if the times when I should have been reveling in the joy and pleasure of the moment, my mind was fretting and fearing the future. Most often I tend to pull my self away from enjoyment with fear of the future or fear of losing the enjoyment of now. How ridiculous. I never experience the pleasure of now if I'm constantly fearing it's loss. It's already gone or never was.

Focusing on the now. Living in this moment and enjoying it as truly fully as possible. Knowing full well it will slip away only to be followed by another moment that will be equally as perfect and needs to be equally as treasured.

Selfness

If you stop investing it with “selfness,” the mind loses its compulsive quality, which basically is the compulsion to judge, and so to resist what is, which creates conflict, drama, and new pain. The moment that judgment stops through acceptance of what is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace. First you stop judging yourself; then you stop judging your partner. The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond the ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over. There are no victims and no perpetrators any more, no accuser and accused. This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody else’s unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate–in love–or move even more deeply into the Now together.

Appreciating what you have or have not

We all have those moments that help wake us up to just how wonderful our life truly is. Sometimes they're simple moments such as seeing someone who has great suffering or difficult circumstances, sometimes it's the threat of losing something, sometimes it's just hearing another person's problems.

A good friend of mine told me today that she's unexpectedly pregnant. Not the end of the world, as she's married and has another child already. However, this was not planned and has not been the blessing it should be. Instead it's a complication to an already complex life and situation.

While I shared support with her and told her that it's obviously meant to be even if it's not planned. I realize how easy that is for me to say yet when things similarly happen in my life, it is much more difficult to see a bigger, wider picture.

I am currently appreciating the simplicity of the where I find myself. In six months, I will quit my job, go traveling for an indefinite period of time with no further plans beyond that. If I were in my friend's position, there is no way that would be possible.

I am deliberating on going into a long term retreat, going back to school for a masters or PhD, working in one of a couple cities, the options are endless. This brings fear and uncertaintity to a certain degree but also excitement, opportunity, and endless options.

I get to choose my next step and further path without consideration of any other humans (well not completely but almost) and without obligation. If I want to travel until my back account is empty, I can.

This freedom is invaluable and yet the compromise of starting a family and "settling down" is some of this freedom is lost. You must consider others, as they depend on you. My friend, I think, has done an excellent job thus far in her life to have a family and still embrace an unrooted lifestyle and a freedom that many people see as impossible.

I don't envy her current perdictament but I know it is what's meant to be and will likely take she and her husband wonderful places with new adventures and opportunities.

I just need to remind myself that the same holds true for me when unplanned and unexpected events arise, good or bad.

Victim and Dictator

I realized awhile ago that I have a specific way of relating to the world. I tend to take on the role of victim in most aspects of my life. I see life as something that happens to me, and I am at it's mercy. Simultaneously, this role of being a victim comes with an urge to control or try to dictate things as much as possible. It's an interesting combination of feeling a lack of control and therefore struggling to control those few things I feel I am able too. These extremes have not served me well and have lead to lots of suffering, in large ways and small every day ways. With this in mind, I am working toward finding a middle way.

Realizing that life is perfect and happening just as it should. I am not a victim but am also not in control. I can make efforts to move in specific directions. I can examine my goals, needs, wants, etc. and act purposefully to achieve these. I can also appreciate that life has it's own agenda that may not coorelate with mine. That life's agenda needs to be accepted whole heartedly and with the understanding that it is perfect as it is.

I do not need to be on guard or fearful, especially in meeting new people or trying new things. I am not a victim and people are generally good, loving, and accepting if you are open and receptive to them. I am not a victim who needs protecting, by myself or anyone else. I am a strong, capable person who can allow herself to open to all that is and will be without fear or hesitation.

I have experienced and endured a lot of pain in my life but that only goes to demonstrate that I can and will survive, grow and find success despite past hurts. Pain is not something to fear, anymore than joy or love is. It's resistance to pain or fear of future pain that causes the true suffering. I know much of my own suffering comes from fear of future hurts. Hurt that will likely never occur or if it does, will not be as life threatening as my mind believes.

I don't have many large fears, no phobias to speak of and find myself to be brave with large life changes. More that I have a background hum of fear of discomfort, sadness and pain. A mild fear that imbues most of my life with hesitation, inaction, and at times, lethargy. Lack of action or engaging comes from fear of what will occur if I do engage. I do find that the more I engage, the more I see that the good outweigh the hurt.

Engage in life today, openly and without fear. See how fear and victimization cause you to seek validation from outside yourself, then see if you can't give yourself the validation and love you need.

Thoughts as medicine

I don’t need anyone but myself

I am wonderfully loveable and love myself

No one can fulfill or reproduce the love my mother wasn't able to give me

I need to love myself first and foremost

I need to be able to feel whole and complete on my own.

I don’t need anything more than I already have!

If we can accept things as they are, we are invincible.

All is as it should be

Things, all things, happen as they should. No regret, nothing lost, for all of this has lead to this moment which will lead to the next, just as it should.

I find myself, at times, struggling with regret. I have to remind myself that all that occurs in my life, whether I label good or bad, happens because it needs to happen. This is the flow of life and the best I can do is see my own habits, work with my own mind, and see where life goes from here.

No control and no remorse. The past is not worth analyzing. Perhaps, enjoying and accepting but the habitual action of reliving past incidences is worthless and detrimental. Planning for the future could be said to be likewise fruitless, to a degree. We never know what will happen or where we will go. The best we can do is do our best in this moment and ride the waves without struggling against them.

Choice and Control

I just had the realization that I can choose my state of being. Maybe not my mind, but beneath that I can choose to rest in the peace that is there. Why do I forget this?

I don't have to be swept away with my crazy monkey mind. I don't have to be saddened by my stress or insecurity of the future. I can choose to be in the present and be with the peace that is always available to me. All I have to do is choose to be there. Let the mind wash over me as it will, let the stresses and worries just rush past as they will.

I read this great statement about being more like water. How we tend to be too solid and run into walls and persist in pushing through when instead we could flow like water around whatever the obstacle may be. Flow with what is, being flexible and allowing. Allowing people to abuse us as they may, but like water giving with the punches and accepting whatever may be.

Water or a river doesn't choose it's path, it takes the path it is given. It flows where it can and allows itself to be shaped by what already exists and goes with the flow.

The moment I see this and allow myself to flow with whatever my mind is experiencing, I feel an overwhelming sense of relief. The simple act of acceptance and allowing brings with it such a sense of well being. The act of giving up the delusion of control is one of the smartest things we can do for our own happiness and peace of mind.

Searching

I had a crazy dream last night probably brought on by stress and books I've been reading. Regardless of the cause, my mind has been frantic all day. Searching for some kind of relief. Searching for comfort. The problem is that my habitual place I use to find comfort no longer exists so instead of finding comfort, I find greater suffering when what I'm searching for can not be found.

Why does my mind do this? It knows that this comfort is not to be found and that even if it were, it would not cure the stress I am experiencing. Why can I not just see the stress, and discomfort as it is and be with it or take action to address the cause? Yoga seems to help some but my mind is relentless. Grasping, searching, longing. It's so frustrating. I try to cradle it but I feel like I'm lost in the circular pattern that just abuses myself.

Maybe it's my resistance to the suffering, to the memories, to the pain. My resistance and frustration how things seems to persist. Just when I'm feeling strong and happy, memories burst in to cause me sadness and remind me of loss. I guess it's all about time and memories weakening and letting go eventually. Perhaps it's all just a waiting game.

Why we do what we do

I just had this realization that we all have these ingrained ways of interacting with the world based on what we have done previously, what our parents do, etc.

I saw how I don't ask for things I want or need from people for fear of causing them suffering if they are not able, willing to provide the thing I want. So instead I sit passively aside and hope things go as I want. Then I feel let down or upset if things don't go as I want and it comes up in other ways.

This example was the opportunity to be in a photo with Hillary Clinton. She is visiting COPE and I was secretly hoping to get to meet her or be in a photo with her but figured I shouldn't ask as the woman coordinating it all seems stressed enough anyway. However, a colleague asked and was given permission so then I felt like I could and should ask. Luckily, it wasn't too late.

But I've done this before. My brother asked me if I wanted to be in his wedding. I knew lots of Saleema's friends were viaing to be in it so I said no, hoping to save Saleema some stress. But when it came down to it, I did want to be involved and should has just stated my desire from the beginning. Trying to filter or restrain my needs or desires to save someone else suffering does not work. I can't know how they will react to my request or how it will affect them. It's good to be sensitive to others but there comes a point when you have to be true to yourself and allow them to interact with that however they will.

You don't want to disregard their feelings, but you can't read minds and I all too often think that I can. I see myself as being helpful or compassionate but truly I am just being untrue to myself.

Blame

Yesterday I had a couple instances of seeing myself and others react to blame.

First of all, I received an email from a work colleague that I was CC'd on responding to an email from a doctor pointing the finger at me for not doing something. I saw myself get defensive and not wanting to accept the blame. It's irrelevant whether I was at fault, as my mind instantly put up it's defenses of not wanting to be blamed. I wrote a response email that tried to be diplomatic but I'm sure my ego shown through brightly.

Then, later in the day, my translator was blamed for something being translated incorrectly. Another foreigner had written the English version and she felt blamed that the English version was confusing. She then passed the blame to another colleague who had advised her on the topic.

More so in the second scenario, but a little in both, it's interesting to see how hard we all work to try to pass the blame. Especially when there is any debate on whether we are at fault to begin with. We don't want to accept responsibility ever. It hurts our ego to feel that fault placed on us.

The thing is that in the second scenario I could see how insignificant this blame and issue was. But it was no more insignificant than my email scenario from the morning, and I remembered how strongly that had brought up my defenses and ego.

It was a great learning experience due to the fact that the situations were so similar yet I was in a different place in the scene. It makes me smile to see these things even if it is only little by little that they become more clear and accessible.

Happiness, positivity and unconditional love

I was just reading about happiness and how we all have a skewed vision of what happiness is. We tend to see it as the moments of ecstasy that come oh so briefly and then flit away rather than the background acceptance and embracing of whatever is. Moments of ecstasy are often tainted with the feeling of grasping onto this moment or trying to recreate it in the future. Either way, we don't truly enjoy these fleeting moments anyway. The article also talked about positivity and how much positive thought, speech and action can affect your ability to be with a unshakeable sense of happiness.

So I am making the commitment to stop my habits of complaining, self-degrading, and mean or rude thought, speech and action. I plan to start with stopping saying negative things as that is one of the easiest to see/hear. I will make a commitment to notice when I complain or bitch and to make a conscious effort to be more positive and optimistic.

I feel optimism and positivity go hand in hand with unconditional love. Dropping the conditions and embracing myself and others as I am and as they are. Right now, in this moment, without stipulation.

Unconditional Love

I've been seeing more clearly how my love is often very conditional. I had and still do have a list of things I want from people in order to deem them worthy of my love. I'm trying to work with that. Pema talks about using compassion to melt attachment, especially in love relationships. I feel like it's really important to my future happiness to find a way to be less attached and more unconditionally loving. I need to get better at loving people regardless of whether they are doing what I want or how active they are in my life. I do deep down just want everyone to be happy, but my selfish desire of "me first (my happiness first)" often takes over.

My ego argues that I need to get mine first. I need to make sure I get what I want, need, etc. before giving away my love. The problem, of course, is that if we all do this, why would anyone ever love unconditionally. Why would anyone love period? We never get all that we want and need from anyone. It's the nature of being human.

I need to learn to love first. The only love I have is the love I give. This trying to get love from others is hopeless and fruitless. I already have all the love I need. I don't need it from anyone else. Work on cultivating that love and letting others be as they are. Love them exactly as they are without expectations of what you might get in return. That is the true path to happiness.

*Past, Present, Future

*It is well known to police who investigate traffic accidents that two
different eyewitnesses, both completely honest, may give conflicting
accounts of the same accident. When we see just how unreliable our memory
is, we will not overvalue the past.We can bury it, just as we bury a person
who has died.We bury the coffin or cremate the corpse, and it is done with.*

*Do not linger on the past. Do not keep carrying around coffins full of
dead moments. If you do, you weigh yourself down with heavy burdens that do
not really belong to you. When you let go of the past, you will be free in
the present moment. As for the future—the anticipations, fears, plans, and
expectations—let that go too. The Buddha once said,“Whatever you think it
will be, it will always be something different” (MN 113,21). This future is
known by the wise as uncertain, unknown, and unpredictable. It is often
useless to anticipate the future, and in meditation it is always a great
waste of time.*

*~ Ajahn Brahmavhamso

After you've thrown the book...

Pema talks about how often we don't see what we're doing or how swept away we are until after we've thrown something or hurt someone. I'm feeling that way today.

I know there are multiple factors playing into why today has been so rough and why I'm struggling so much. And while I can see myself being swept away, it is incredibly difficult to stop. I see myself throwing books all over the place and yet can't stop it.

So much easier said than done. I guess if you at least see it, that's the first step. Then being able to laugh about it rather than use it as more ammunition for shame and sadness. Days like this are so hard. Days when my emotions seem to run away with me.

How the mind runs

Watching the mind run itself silly. Running in circles, following the same thoughts down the same roads. It's amazing how you can sit and watch and feel yourself run the entire gamut of emotions without any external stimulus. Some days the mind seems calm and at ease, fluid and unfettered by memories or future plans and other days it feels like your mind is the ocean tossing you about. Often there is an external source that triggered a memory or thought that started the mind on it's tailspin and yet other days it seems to run away with you without warning or cause.

Today was a without warning or cause. I woke up grumpy. Irritable and difficult to please. Without cause or reason I can see. The interesting part is to see where this irritable mind takes me. It's as if the irritation is seeking fuel for its fire. It seeks out memories or thoughts that fuel it's flame. Things unresolved that cause further pain or irritation.

Work goes well and the mind almost rebels not wanting to be pacified by pleasant external circumstances and seeks out memories or thoughts that oppose what is, perpetuating the initial irritation. Some yoga to calm the mind helps to a degree, but the mind can be so persistent. As if it wants to prove a point by revisiting and focusing on it's irritation and hurt.

Pema talks about how whatever it is we do again and again. This will be perpetuated. I can almost see my mind choosing more of the same. Not wanting to be soothed or calmed but wanting more of what it was enduring. I guess that's where the compassion comes in. Compassion for oneself and one's crazy monkey mind. Giving it love and comfort even when it's banging itself against the brick wall. Having a smile and hug waiting even if it won't let go of it's struggle.

Water mind

This idea of having a more fluid way of looking at this. Not trying to solidify and put thing into a box. Something that comes so natural to some of us. I know that I try to put everyone and everything into a box, despite the fact that things rarely fit well into the box. Good/bad, want/don't want. Nothing is black or white and we end up fighting ourselves trying to find that appropriate box rather than allowing everything to be varying shades of grey.

Resistance

I was appreciating the other day how much I enjoy laying down to go to sleep at night. I then contemplated why that is. Why is that so enjoyable for me?

I think it comes from being one of very few moments in the day when I let go of my desire, aversion, and general resistance to life. Sleep is a kind of resignation and relaxing moment of letting go. Most of the day, I have a background slight resistance or opposition to what is. A general sense of needing to control things, even when they are completely uncontrollable. There is this sense of needing to feel in control and in charge.

I rarely feel that same sense of allowing and letting go that I feel when I crawl into bed at night. I want to try and cultivate that same relaxation and letting go during the day. Accepting everything and letting go of any resistance.

Odd moments

I always enjoy the odd moments when I have a realization. I actually have very strong memories from my childhood and having moments of realization as a child.

One distinct one is as a child being driven home on Christmas Eve from my Grandma's house and contemplating that this very moment would soon be a memory and would I remember exactly what I was thinking and feeling in this moment?

I just had a great realization while walking to the bathroom. My stomach is upset and I've been feeling bored and unstimulated at work today. I've been looking for distraction and seeing my feeling of let down after a nice birthday weekend. Things have been exciting for me over the last few days and today has felt a bit of a let down from that.

But then I realized that this is okay too. Sometimes things will be exciting and sometimes they'll be boring. Sometimes my body will be healthy and sometimes it will be ill. But you can't have one without the other and there is no need to rebel or oppose what is. See it as only one part of all that is. This dullness will pass and things will again be exciting. That too will pass and dullness will return.

I was seeing how I try to prolong stimulus or excitement. For example, with my birthday I've had lots of love and contact with people I enjoy, love and miss. As my birthday passes, that contact diminishes and I feel a sense of loss or missing it. I email people and try to continue a flow of contact and love from these people but it is hard to maintain, as people are busy and I am living a long way away.

It truth though, if I maintained that level of contact, I would likely get accustomed to it and then need more and more to be stimulated. I would get desensitized to it to a degree. This often happens in relationships when we spend too much time with someone and then get sick of them or take them for granted. They lose they're shiny newness. So it's important for things to wax and wane leading to times of contact and times of distance. This maintains appreciation and prevents burnout.

No one would want to party and celebrate all the time. You would get sick of it and burnt out. That's what makes special events special. They only happen occasionally, so you appreciate them. So it's learning to allow the flow and appreciate it for what it is. See the feelings of coming down from stimulation and appreciate those feelings too. Appreciate it all for being perfect and being just what it is.

Special

So much suffering comes from making things special. And yet, despite knowing this to be true, I can't help myself but make things special and want special things.

Today is my birthday, it is a special day. Because it is a special day, I have expectations of what should happen today. People should be extra nice to me. I should have a special dinner, a special party or outing. People who love me should call and tell me so. I should get gifts and today should be good in general.

It's these expectations of specialness that lead to disappointment, sadness and suffering. If someone I love wrote me a nice card on any given day, it would make my day and bring me tons of joy. Because it is expected today, such actions are less valuable, they are expected and required.

Isn't that funny? By making today a special day, I'm actually setting it up for disappointment, and suffering. We do that same with events, people, things.

Expectations of a special person means that we require things from a friend or lover who we wouldn't require from someone who isn't "special". These expectations of the person and relationship lead to disappointment, stress, and suffering.

Why then do we deem things special? Why do we want to be special? If I could just be open to things as they are rather than as I label them and expect them to be, I would find much more pleasure, acceptance and joy in experiencing them. No expectations so no disappointment or loss.

Easier said than done, but worth exploring and working toward. Deeming the world and all within it special and equally worthy of love, time, and acceptance.

Accepting what you're given

I just had this great insight into relationships.

You have to accept what you are given in relationships. Not that you shouldn't leave detrimental or hurtful ones but rather that if you choose to be in a relationship, friendship, etc. with someone you have to be willing to accept what they are able to give, when they are able to give it.

For example, my dad does this very well. I know he would rather have his kids living closer to home, visiting him more often, and generally in his life more. But he accepts what my brother and I are currently able to give in terms of time, love, distance, etc. This alleviates any pressure on the relationship and probably causes my brother and I to try and spend more time and energy with him.

I know I have not always been the best at this. I think a lot of my discontent in relationships in general stems from not accepting what the other person is willing and able to give. Rather than acknowledging their limitations and accepting and embracing what they can currently give and share, I rail against this "insufficient" love, time, etc. and cause suffering for both parties.

Consider how difficult it is to be in a situation where things are asked of you that you know you can't and maybe don't want to provide. What a difficult position to be in. 

I am now realizing that the only way to approach this issue is to let go of expectations and accept what is given graciously and appreciatively. If this isn't possible, the relationship won't work.

Even friendships can struggle in this way. Some friends want more or less out of friendship and when those desires clash, problems ensue.

We must learn to accept what is given with love, appreciation and acceptance both romantically and in all interactions. We can not force another to provide something they choose not to or are incapable of. We can only love them as they are and embrace what they have to share.

This insight changes the perspective from a neediness in relationships to a loving embrace and acceptance of them. Only took me 29 years to figure out.

I am not my personality

Adyashanti talks a lot about the idea of self-inquiry. I haven't been doing a lot of it myself but it's a great concept and something I think we can all benefit from. We do so often just accept the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. These stories come from memories and the past and build upon one another to form how we see ourselves. The interesting part is that in reality, the past does not exist and so truly we only are what we are at this very moment. That means our story that we tell ourselves is false. It's just made up and yet we allow it to dictate so much of how we act and what we do.

I have a particular story and because of that story, I set expectations of how I will respond in a particular instance. I wonder if I were to lose my memory, if I would react similarly or not.

If I am only awareness and not my personality that what's to stop me from changing those parts of me that cause suffering. What's to stop me from revamping myself in this very moment? The answer is nothing. If I could let me story go and just be at peace with the moment it would be similar to letting my mind relax and allowing my body, my nature to take over and act in collaboration with reality and nature.

Drop the storyline, drop the mind made motivations, and just act true to my buddha nature. That's not so hard. Now do it again and again in every fresh moment.

Let the personality melt away and lose the attachment to this being called Cody. Just be the awareness and live in that space.

"We humans think we're such good..."

predictors of the future. But we're not."

I overheard someone saying this in a conversation and appreciated just how true it is. We humans spend so so so much of our time predicting the future. We use our past experiences as a basis to plan and predict what could potentially happen in the future. But if we took a moment to truly look, we would realize that we have no idea what is to come. No idea where life will take us or whether we'll even be alive tomorrow. There are no guarantees, no matter how hard we try to find them.

I say this and I feel it. I feel a sense of excitement for a world of possibilities and futures. A completely unpredictable tomorrow. Yet, under that sense of excitement is a fear. A fear that I am constantly stepping into the unknown and the world is constantly changing without anything to grab onto. Something I know to be true in this moment, in the next can be proven false. I find my mind grappling with this often. Trying to grasp the past. Trying to come to terms with change, people change, situations change, plans change, I change. I am nothing solid.

The idea of a permanent me is where this desire for solidity stems from. Yet this I is a fallacy. This I is built on memories and past experiences. This I truly only exists in this moment, as a feeling, sensation, experience. I do not exist as a culmination of my past. I am only now and thus I should not fear the flow of the life. The ever changing circumstances. It is only in wanting to solidify and grasp them that I experience suffering.

Alan Watts speaks of the idea of life being like water. That water can be beaten and trapped, etc. and yet it only yields as it is able and flows around the obstacles that arise. I love this analogy. We too can be like water accepting life as it is without rebellion, without suffering, just flowing as we are able, following gravity as it shapes and dictates.

Alan Watts also talks about the problem of humans relying upon their brains too much and not being in tune with their bodies enough. He talks about the innate knowledge our bodies have that we are out of touch with. Similar to the instincts of animals, we know when to eat, when to rest, when to have sex, when to migrate or move. But we choose to follow our mind's desires rather than our bodies. We over eat because our mind wants more pleasure. We are lazy or overly busy trying to reach goals our mind sets out for us. We lust after pretty people and superficiality rather than listening to our bodies and visceral appeal. We chase pleasures or avert pains based on thinking and intellectualizing that which our instinct and innate self knows.

I think meditation and finding space from our minds is the first step in tuning in to what our bodies need and know. Listening more than telling. Slowing down and feeling rather than trying to manipulate and dictate. Exercise and yoga too seem to increase our mind/body connection rather than increasing the divide. Choosing to be aware and allow the body to lead for awhile. I think we might all be surprised with how much our bodies know.

Silliness

‘You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.’ ~Buddha

Yes I do. We all do. Can you imagine if everyone in the world loved and was affectionate with themselves? What a different place the world would be! I'm working on loving myself, snuggling myself and feeling the fullness of not needing external love to feel validated. 

Validation is something we all strive for. Often in all the wrong places. Seeking validation via the opposite sex is one of the most common. Using them to build our ego and make us feel good. Whether subtly by dressing well and seeking compliments or more blatantly by pursuing casual relationships and getting people to fall for us. 

Part of me wants to deny that I do this, but why else do I put on makeup and wear sexy clothes. Yes, it makes me feel good about myself to a degree but it also has a strong underlying desire to get attention from men.

The older I get, the more I see through the silliness of seeking an ego boost through others. The more I see that connecting with people should be about being open to their spirit and a feeling of connection rather than about a superficial need to feel appreciated and valued. 

I also realize more and more how ridiculous it is that young people spend so much time trying to impress each other. Trying to stay young in appearance. Dieting, exercising, having beauty treatments, plastic surgery, the list goes on and on of all the ways we work to try and hold on to the attractiveness and appeal we once had. It's sad really. This desperate resistance to aging and change.

More and more I see how ridiculous it is that we judge one another by physical appearance. How insignificant and ridiculous that aspect of people is. Why do we place so much emphasis on something so unimportant? 

Problems

There will never come a time when my life is free of problems, things I wish were different, things I dislike. That's part of life. We all have things we wish we could change. Some are larger than others, but the suffering that comes along with them isn't necessarily proportionate to the size of the problem.

Don't you ever see people who seem so happy, grateful, and content who have very real, serious problems? Or people who seem to have everything they could want but can never be content, never appreciate what is right in front of them?

Being content is is a little like giving up. Giving up striving, letting those big goals relax and fade somewhat. Sure they can still exist, desires in the background but letting go of having the goals be the driving force. It's so easy to get stuck into wanting something better, a better job, more money, better relationship, more experiences. The thing we fail to realize is that there isn't possible enough of anything to fulfill this desire. There is always something or someone more to want to chase. That will never end. The only way to find contentment and to decide to find it. Let the striving go, relax into the now ans accept what is with appreciate and grace.

I constantly strive for something or someone who will make me happy. This experience, this job, this person will make everything perfect and then I won't have problems. Except it never works that way, there is no magic solution, nothing is perfect and constantly seeking perfection is a sure fire way to succeed in suffering.

Imbuing people and things with this magical quality of happiness. Seeing them as a means to joy or a solution to suffering is completely backward. Only by finding the happiness and love in your self can you truly find joy and dissipate suffering.

How did we all get it so wrong for so long? Who taught us we are all poverty stricken and desperately need to be filled up by others, things, stuff?

We all have our own things we seek, things we can never be content with. We all have our type of itch to scratch, our own burning desire or painful aversion. We all have this. What if we could drop all that for a moment and just embrace and relish what we do have and find peace and appreciation for that?

Agenda of My Personality

I read this line about letting go of the agenda of your personality and it really struck a cord with me. Isn't that what we're all doing all the time, running around trying to appease this personality that we cling so strongly to. The discomfort of doing things that don't appease our personality usually cause us to shy away and go back into the comfort zone seeking pleasure and safety in the same old ways.

I know for me, I experience anxiety when I am pushed outside of my safety personality zone, yet I almost always feel strong, renewed and invigorated having stepped outside what my personality naturally craves.

Less about suppression of natural desire, more about realizing that just because a desire or aversion arises doesn't mean you need to do anything about it. Pema talks about seeing the aversion, desire, or ignorance and not pushing it away but embracing it and watching it dissipate.

In a culture driven by me, me, me and consumption, I feel like we could all use a little impulse control. Just because I am feeling uncomfortable, either with desire or aversion, doesn't mean anything needs to change. Discomfort is okay, in fact, discomfort is often the signal that things are changing and expanding.

Food is a big craving, desire are for me. But it's also an area where it's easy to see the release when you let the craving pass without bowing to it.

It's funny how we all have our cravings and aversions and they can be completely opposite from one another. It's also funny how some cravings and aversions have earned cultural stigmas or "bad" labels while others are "good". People become addicted to exercise or controlling their diets and it's considered a positive thing (even when it's excessive). But people who are addicted to McDonald's and sex are deemed as deviants and people with no self-control.

It all just comes down to what we find pleasure in and how often we reinforce the cycle of craving, fulfillment, pleasure.

Self Honesty

We all lie to ourselves constantly and it's difficult to see because we don't know we're lying. We tell ourselves little stories about who we are, how we are, the world around us. These lies build our world and when we do finally see them, the world becomes a little less cloudy and a little more honest.

I just realized that I lie to myself about other people and my feelings toward them. In hindsight, I idolize people or detest them. I label them as bad or good and then brush the opposing characteristics under the table. If I do this with people in my life. I obviously also do it to myself.

It's so hard to see your faults. There are so many ways we justify our actions, no matter how wrong or inappropriate. I hurt people and justify it by feelings righteous or by putting my needs/desires above theirs. I place expectations on people that they can't possibly fulfill because the expectations are based on a make-believe person.

I just realized that some of the people in my life are not who I have painted them to be. I refuse to see the truth because it negates the image I have built. Yet, if I'm honest with myself and allow the truth to exist in actions and statements, I see how wrong my pictures can be. I see how they come out of my believes, hopes and desires rather than reality.

The same goes for how I see myself. Working on brutal honesty, wishing I had someone to do it for me. I feel like it's so much easier from the outside. Yet, most people would never be that brutally honest for fear of losing a friend or loved one. Maybe we all need someone who can be brutally honest. I'm sure it would be hard but with time couldn't we learn to love and appreciate the value of an honest self-perception? I think we could.

Seeing where I lie, seeing where I hide, seeing my shadows, seeing my shortcomings. Not to berate myself but to see honestly, accept and use this to open to other people's shadows and see them more honestly.

Love and Pain

I was reading some Pema about all the dualistic aspects of life. Love and pain are one that I've been dealing with a lot. Two sides of the same coin, closely intertwined, in that you can't have one without the other. Love will always result in loss at some point and that will bring pain.

I think growing up with my mom, I closely connect love and pain. Probably to a fault. Loving my mom has long been painful, and I feel like maybe I've subconsciously believed that that is how love should be. Without pain, love isn't real. How sadistic is that? But it does make sense with the ways that I sabotage relationships.

I think while I may have an unhealthy connection between love and pain, most people want one without the other. They see the pain as detrimental and "bad" when in fact Pema talks about seeing bigger. Seeing love and pain as part of one, they come together and neither is good nor bad. Both are intertwined in that they only come as a pair and can not be separated.

I feel that gives a healthier perspective on relationships. There are some amazing aspects and some painful aspects. Finding a happy medium and embracing both ends of the spectrum is the only way to sustain and truly embrace it.

On that note, I hope to work with my self-love as a seed by which to allow love and pain to coexist and appreciate both sides of the coin. Knowing that it's all part of the magic and you can't have one with the other and what's a life without love.

Rough days

It's funny how you can wake up in the morning and your mind is already hard at work. Today has been rough. Not sure why, nothing specific lies at the cause. I see myself trying to chase away the pain and sadness but it feels like I'm just running in circles. Trying to just allow and be with it but my mind desperately picks at it like a scab that won't be allowed to heal.

Days like this happen. I know this. I know it will pass, tomorrow will be different, better or worse but different.

If I can just give myself some love and space to allow these feelings to be. Just relax into it. Allow that soft spot to be exposed and touched and turn toward that experience.

Pushing away never helps and yet I do it time and time again. Why not pull it in, give it a snuggle and some affection.

Hi pain, it's good to see you again. Come on in and take a seat. Let's have a cuddle and snuggle.

Beliefs

The idea that those things about people that you find difficult to work with are the same things that you struggle to accept in yourself is a great thought. It makes all our external struggles motivation to look inward and explore where this struggle is within us.

I was considering today the idea of long term relationships, a happily ever after if you will. I find myself fluctuating between hope that this fantasy is true and cynicism that no such thing exists. Given recent events in my life, I'm probably a little skewed to the cynical side. But exploring deeper I see that maybe I have a deep underlying belief that no relationship can sustain. That they are naturally bound to fail and hurt.

I will readily express that this is what I want; a committed relationship and a family, yet I find myself doubting the possibility of this. Growing up I was given the idea that just when things are going well, life will jump up and knock you down. Nothing good will last and you shouldn't count on it. These thoughts are those of my dad who has had his share of difficulty in life and relationships and as a result has become somewhat cynical.

I feel like from this, I have acquired a fear of the idea of a successful, lasting relationship. So I choose partners who don't want or are incapable of such a thing and then I work hard to sabotage it. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy in many ways. Consciously I do believe that relationships can sustain and be a great catalyst for growth, change and the foundation of a loving family. But unconsciously I fear that, for I fear it's loss. If you don't ever have something, how can you lose it?

It's an interesting tug-of-war within myself. The desire to have my own strong family and the fear that this family I create will inherently become like the one I grew up in. Painful, broken and sad. I guess seeing this is the first step. Then coming to terms with this fear and seeing it for what it is and knowing that whatever happens, I am complete on my own and can endure whatever discomfort or loss that comes my way. Which it invariably will.

I think I've allowed fear to dictate my life in a lot of ways. Stemming from being a child who endured things that I was incapable of enduring at the time. So running away and shutting down was the best defense and method for enduring that I had. Now it's time to let go of these childhood tactics and release the fear and hiding that is no longer needed.

Interactions

I have been struggling with my housemate. Not in any large sense but rather in an irritating, feeling annoyed and generally not at peace. This morning was no exception but instead of turning away from my annoyance I looked closer and tried to see where it was coming from. Like they say, usually what we dislike or find annoying in another person is something we don't accept or enjoy about ourselves.

I saw that my housemate tends to complain a lot and often her complaining comes across as blaming or attacking. I had previously read in "Men are from Mars..." that men tend to feel this way "blamed or attacked" when the woman in their life complains or is upset. It was a real eye opener for me to see myself feeling this from my housemate and how much I disliked it. I felt very put upon and a strong urge to leave or extricate myself from the situation.

Interestingly enough I know that she is just seeking understanding from me. She doesn't really blame me (as it rarely has anything to do with me) or expect me to fix it. She wants me to commiserate and understand her being upset and validate it. This is what women always want when they complain or are unhappy. They just want someone to listen, understand, and validate their feelings.

Feeling both sides of this gender issue, has been really great for me. Because my housemate does this very strongly, I see it very clearly but it also makes me appreciate that I do this as well and encourages me to look at it more closely and work with and my interactions with others. I also can see the male perspective of how grating, irritating, and upsetting this female habit can be.

It makes me appreciate the need to explore the ways the genders operate differently and perhaps revisit that book. Not that one way of being is preferable, just that our habitual ways of being affect one another and understanding both sides can only be beneficial.