It's personal

Watching myself react when my ego feels personally affronted in a practice in compassion. Compassion for my ego and it's desperate need to defend itself. Compassion for all humans who struggle with this in various ways, some more than others. In general, I don't think of my ego as a big problem, I have other issues that are more prevalent, but even so, when directly offended, my ego takes no prisoners.

Recently, a colleague made comments about an activity my organization ran and was extremely negative and offensive in a number of ways. I found it irritating and frustrating but was easily able to disconnect and see his comments for what they were without needing to react or respond to cause continued suffering. However, in another email, this same person then made a comment directly insulting myself. What a difference that makes?

The urge to fight back and defend myself was overwhelming. Even as I could see it for what it was, I couldn't stop the justification that this man was WRONG and needed to be corrected. Funny isn't it. When things get personal or are taken personally, it becomes a whole different situation. I think that's why relationships are so difficult. By becoming so close with someone, partner, friend, family, the barriers come down and things get personal. Is there a way to step back from this and see that it isn't ever really personal? It's more about the person doing, saying, being than the subject of the comment, action, etc.

What I do or say to another person reflects only upon myself, the subject of my actions has no personal connection to my actions. This is difficult to remember and difficult to adapt into life. But practicing seeing the action of personalizing things goes a long way to reduce suffering. People can say or do whatever they want to me (as long as it's not physically harmful) and it's not hurtful unless I allow myself to take it personally and allow myself to be hurt. In addition to allowing the hurt, we often pile on extra suffering by berating ourselves for the supposed shortcoming.

If we can see that we are doing the best we can, are being the best we can, then that is enough.

Finding space

Just even a tiny step back from your experience can give you much needed space to see your reactions, your emotions, how caught up you are. We all have those things in life that have a special hold on us. Those things that have the power to shake us to the core without so much as a flick. I find myself practicing more and more with giving this space. Seeing that we tend to close down around things when truly we have all the space in the world. Nothing is black or white no matter how hard we try to paint it that way. I think I tend to think in black and white and a gray world is difficult for me. But when I give the gray a little space to breath and flow, I find that it has all the space in the world. Nothing is so hard, so fixed, so important as it seems.

I am trying to live my life with more ease. Let things come and go easier. Allowing more, controlling less. Desired outcomes only lead to disappointment. We all know that it never goes as planned, but that's what makes life interesting. Allowing room for the change and flow of life, allows us to breath and experience the lightness of freedom.

This year has felt like one big, long uncertainty to me. The funny thing is that life is always uncertain, I'm just experiencing a reality closer to the truth than I have in the past. My future has always been uncertain, I only imagined it to have any solidity. But as I move into the next few months, there are big decisions to be made, directions to choose, and life changes ahead. I find myself excited and scared. Petrified at times, hopeful and hopeless, and giddy with possibilities. I'm working to embrace the ride and get in touch with the self that knows which direction I truly want and need to take.

I tend to be good at seeing all sides of a story rather well....but this often leads to indecisiveness or difficulty choosing the "right" option. Maybe I can let go of the idea of right option and choose what feels good and know that it will be just as it should be.

Tonglen and finding connection

I've been listening to Pema talk about being grateful to everyone and she spends a lot of time discussin how disconnected we often are. How we are constantly surrounded by people yet are indifferent to them. No love, no compassion, no connection with our shared humanity. I feel this way often. There are so many people on this earth and we are all part of of the same flow an energy, yet it's so easy to fall into me vs them and opposition. Fear that they make take what I want or need or jealousy over something they have. I can be so closed and protective of myself. But why? Do I have any evidence that this actually works to protect me. No. Habitual I suppose and a habit I want to break. Tonglen is helpful in that it allows me connection, even if only in my head and heart. The next step is to make the effort to reach out, open up and connect. I always enjoy this when I am brave enough. When I let down the walls and make let people in. People just want to be happy and safe like I do. Nothing to fear. Right now I'm doing Tonglen for all those poor tourists like me who are cooked to a crisp and in sunburn agony, I'm sending out aloe Vera.

Daily Practice

I seem to go through phases of being diligent and committed to a strong daily practice and then stumbling and letting it fall by the wayside when life gets busy. I then have to remind myself to be gentle and forgiving with myself and not be to hard on myself.

I do find that having a daily practice has led to me using mindfulness, tonglen, and self-love more in every day life when I'm off the cushion. So even when the daily practice gets left aside briefly, I should reflect at how it is growing and integrating itself into daily life and how I live my life. That is the goal after all.

It also helps to have people to connect with about these things. I notice that when I have people I discuss meditation, etc. with I am more likely to make it a larger part of my life. Having a sangha, spiritual partners, and a spiritual community in general is very helpful. It's not easy to always make it the most important aspect of one's life, even if we know and feel that this would be the best use of the rest of our lives.

I was saddened to lose my Android as it's biggest role in my life currently is the means by which I listen to Pema and dharma talks. Luckily, I'll get a similar replacement soon and I'm sure I can make do in the mean time. It just shows how valuable Dharma talks are to me and the ability to take them to work, on my bike or to massages with me.

I think it all comes down to the little ways we use our practice to soften up and open to the world. Even those habits can harden into attachment if we allow it. Flexibility in all things. :)

Stress and struggles

Life has ups and downs, as we all know all too well. I feel like I am continually getting better at seeing my reactions, seeing my stress levels rise and not going down that path. I see the connection between current stress and seemingly unrelated desires. The feelings aren't any less sticky or powerful, but I find myself feeling greater distance and space from them.

Baby steps in the right direction. Finding peace where I am, with myself as the loving center of it all. Letting go of desires and seeking things to be different or pursuing material things that don't bring happiness.

I also find myself being more and more truthful with myself and to be honest, am at times, overwhelmed with deeply held beliefs I didn't know I had. Exploring these beliefs, seeing their error and releasing them.

Finding freedom through openness and love.