Watching the mind run itself silly. Running in circles, following the same thoughts down the same roads. It's amazing how you can sit and watch and feel yourself run the entire gamut of emotions without any external stimulus. Some days the mind seems calm and at ease, fluid and unfettered by memories or future plans and other days it feels like your mind is the ocean tossing you about. Often there is an external source that triggered a memory or thought that started the mind on it's tailspin and yet other days it seems to run away with you without warning or cause.
Today was a without warning or cause. I woke up grumpy. Irritable and difficult to please. Without cause or reason I can see. The interesting part is to see where this irritable mind takes me. It's as if the irritation is seeking fuel for its fire. It seeks out memories or thoughts that fuel it's flame. Things unresolved that cause further pain or irritation.
Work goes well and the mind almost rebels not wanting to be pacified by pleasant external circumstances and seeks out memories or thoughts that oppose what is, perpetuating the initial irritation. Some yoga to calm the mind helps to a degree, but the mind can be so persistent. As if it wants to prove a point by revisiting and focusing on it's irritation and hurt.
Pema talks about how whatever it is we do again and again. This will be perpetuated. I can almost see my mind choosing more of the same. Not wanting to be soothed or calmed but wanting more of what it was enduring. I guess that's where the compassion comes in. Compassion for oneself and one's crazy monkey mind. Giving it love and comfort even when it's banging itself against the brick wall. Having a smile and hug waiting even if it won't let go of it's struggle.
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