Resignation

I read an interesting discussion on resignation and how the term has such a negative context in the West. It is associated with giving up, giving in, failing, etc. To resign is to quit. And yet in buddhist terms, resignation is the way to freedom. By resigning or accepting what it, you are freed from striving, controlling, and all the energy that goes into that. You are relieved of this self-imposed work and effort to controlling something completely beyond your control.

It's amazing how much of my time is spent coordinating things that I have no control over whatsoever. It almost feels like, if I give up this controlling, worrying, plotting, planning, I won't have anything to do. I guess the point is that you can then enjoy the truth and what truly is underneath all that extra stuff we heap on top.

The difficulty for me lies in how to interact with the world without striving, controlling. How do I act without trying to manipulate things? It seems that everything I do is done for a purpose, for a desired outcome. Is it the letting go of attachment to a particular end result?

But then I find questions like, would I do x, y or z if I was not hoping for a certain outcome? Would I go to work if I may or may not get paid?

I guess it's more accepting that we can work toward certain things as long as we are accepting of whatever outcome arises. Yes?

Being whole

We all have those moments of feeling whole, happy, and at ease. The moments when you can't find anything more to strive for and can truly settle into the moment, even if only briefly. The interesting part for me of those moments is how very fleeting they are. It's almost as if the moment my mind acknowledges the sense of ease and peace, it also begins seeking for things that could be improved and that which is missing. In that moment, the sense of ease is lost and returned to the inevitable seeking.

Why oh why oh why, must there always be something more for which to strive? Why when the mind discovers it is at ease, that it desperately stirs to find a desire or aversion? Can the sense of ease continue as the desire or aversion arises?

I currently find myself seeing my mind chasing something to be unsettled about and seeing the desire arise. Then I acknowledge it as only a desire and yet the moment of peace and ease is still altered. It almost seems as if just by acknowledging the ease, I diminish it. Perhaps that is because this sense of ease is more related to my external circumstances than it is to my inner sense of being. I am at ease because for a brief moment the external situation lines up perfectly and my mind can not grasp anything to desire or detest.

Rather than ease that stems from acceptance of what is (good, bad and indifferent), it is an ease arisen from circumstance. Circumstance that will inevitably change and wash away whatever peace had arisen.

So the answer is in cultivating peace and acceptance when outer circumstances are not ideal. Cultivating these moments of ease and peace in middle of a maelstrom of outer conflict and upheaval. For then this peace is not so fleeting and not reliant upon what is but rather an eye within the storm.

Jealousy

I received an email today advertising a dharma talk regarding jealousy and envy entitled "the dark secret". I was drawn to the email despite knowing the talk was to be held in California, nearly halfway around the world for where I currently call home. Somehow, that email was speaking to me and luckily I was receptive enough to hear the message. The brief email spoke about the ego and it's ties to jealousy and what a hard and self-destructive emotion it can be.

I think I have always had a tendency towards envy and jealousy. As an introvert who generally observes things from a removed distance, I was often envious of things I saw as being out of my reach, for any number of reasons. It also seems to tie in with a kind of vicitimization and self-pity. Admiring, and longing for that which I didn't have and feeling lacking and unempowered.

It's amazing how many of us feel this "black hole" or strong sense of lacking. I believe it is very much a western trait to perpetually be grasping (things, people, experiences) to fill this void without ever turning to look at where the void came from or why it is there. I can only think that that must be a habit adopted in our cultural. A culture of striving, grasping, climbing. A culture of discontent if you will. To be satisfied and stop seeking is often seen to have given up.

Back to my particular flavor of emptiness. As someone who identifies as shy, the majority of my jealousy and envy focus around people and relationships. I envy those for whom friendship, socializing, and connection come easily. I am jealous when my few and precious loved ones form new relationships and connections. This jealousy stems out of fear I believe. I fear losing those I love. When one has difficulty making friends, it makes them all the more precious.

Logically I know that having loved ones love others is in no way detrimental or about me and yet jealousy has never been one to be rational. If anything, I would likely grow my circle of friends and loved ones were I to allow this expansion to happen. Allowing the love and friendship to multiply and manifest through sharing openly. This truly seems feasible and worth exploring further.

Jealousy hits full throttle however in loving, sexual relationships. It seems that the stakes are higher and the heart more invested. The threat also appears stronger, in that a lover who strays is quite different than a friend who seeks new or other friends. Where does the possessive aspect of love come from? My evolutionary instinct tells me, a woman seeks to defend and keep a man as a provider for her children, warding off other females who may steal his energies and efforts. However, in this day and age, a man is no longer "the" provider. If a lover strays, it is primarily an emotional affront rather than one of survival.

For me, I see this to be true and yet, my jealousy and underlying fear, do not abade when shown only an emotional threat. Jealousy also seems to arise as or with a desire to control and thus a current lack of control. Control being a strong component of all human suffering. Our desperate belief and desire to control that which is beyond our control. Inquiring about control is an amazing process and another topic of it's own.

Is trust the antidote for jealousy? Trust in yourself to be enough. If there is no lacking, there is nothing to grasp and nothing to be jealous or envious of. I can only be jealous of that which I do not possess and yet if I am already complete and whole as I am, there can be no grasping and no jealousy.

The Path

Every human being walks his or her own path. Never has a person walked the path you are currently on and never again will someone walk your path again. There may exist a multitude of similarities between your path and another but you and your journey are uniquely your own. Because of this, it can be easy to feel alone on your path, scared and without anyone to truly understand you or guide you. However, while your path may remain yours alone, we as humans can find solace in the greater connection that ties all things together. How you define this connection is a very personal and sometimes heavily weighted matter. For that reason, I won't go beyond a sense of connection, but rather focus on sharing my own path, for spiritual growth and inquiry.

I like to think of my path as a hiking trail. One upon which I find myself, without remembering where it began and surely not rushing to find the end. A path that is itself the journey and for better or worse, one that is truly my own. Having spent the first 28 years of my path wandering with my eyes closed shut, I hope to use this website, in addition to other life practices to bring gentle attention and inquiry to where I am, who I am, and the journey along the way.