Indifference

This idea of how we are all so very indifferent to the people around us. We are surrounded by people constantly and yet are often completely indifferent of them. We don't connect with them, feel for them or engage in any way. Even the idea of looking around you and acknowledging that we are all part of the same thing and in this together so to speak.

Part of me sees this and feels how true it is and how liberating and emotionally satisfying it can be to acknowledge and embrace this truth. Another part of me feels scared. Scared that engaging too much will deplete myself. I feel a wall that is inside me trying to keep out connection and interaction with others that I worry I won't be able to handle.

I think my "shyness" as it is often labeled comes from this fear of engaging with others, worried that they will exhaust, overrun, and deplete me. I feel the need to maintain a wall and prevent connection in order to prevent this from happening.

Can I try letting down this wall and seeing how it goes? Can I acknowledge that I am not a finite source and can not be depleted? Can I see that if I do feel overwhelmed or exhausted I can easily retire to myself and recharge? Can I see that connecting with others will not deplete me but give me a greater sense of connection, love and embracing life?

I think this is both a learned habit (from my parents) and also something born into my personality. I think the key is to acknowledge and accept it while also seeing that it is nothing to fear or avoid. I can work with it in small ways and be more aware of when this fear causes me to avoid things, people or put up a wall to maintain distance.

The exhaustion I often feel from interacting with others comes not from them but from me. From my need to maintain distance and constantly check myself. From my constant worry of what they will think of me. Rather than allowing my self and spirit to be free and bloom on their own. I spend ridiculous amounts of energy trying to keep them in check and examining myself and others reactions.

Give up the fight, Cody. Relax into it and let it be.