How the mind runs

Watching the mind run itself silly. Running in circles, following the same thoughts down the same roads. It's amazing how you can sit and watch and feel yourself run the entire gamut of emotions without any external stimulus. Some days the mind seems calm and at ease, fluid and unfettered by memories or future plans and other days it feels like your mind is the ocean tossing you about. Often there is an external source that triggered a memory or thought that started the mind on it's tailspin and yet other days it seems to run away with you without warning or cause.

Today was a without warning or cause. I woke up grumpy. Irritable and difficult to please. Without cause or reason I can see. The interesting part is to see where this irritable mind takes me. It's as if the irritation is seeking fuel for its fire. It seeks out memories or thoughts that fuel it's flame. Things unresolved that cause further pain or irritation.

Work goes well and the mind almost rebels not wanting to be pacified by pleasant external circumstances and seeks out memories or thoughts that oppose what is, perpetuating the initial irritation. Some yoga to calm the mind helps to a degree, but the mind can be so persistent. As if it wants to prove a point by revisiting and focusing on it's irritation and hurt.

Pema talks about how whatever it is we do again and again. This will be perpetuated. I can almost see my mind choosing more of the same. Not wanting to be soothed or calmed but wanting more of what it was enduring. I guess that's where the compassion comes in. Compassion for oneself and one's crazy monkey mind. Giving it love and comfort even when it's banging itself against the brick wall. Having a smile and hug waiting even if it won't let go of it's struggle.

Water mind

This idea of having a more fluid way of looking at this. Not trying to solidify and put thing into a box. Something that comes so natural to some of us. I know that I try to put everyone and everything into a box, despite the fact that things rarely fit well into the box. Good/bad, want/don't want. Nothing is black or white and we end up fighting ourselves trying to find that appropriate box rather than allowing everything to be varying shades of grey.

Resistance

I was appreciating the other day how much I enjoy laying down to go to sleep at night. I then contemplated why that is. Why is that so enjoyable for me?

I think it comes from being one of very few moments in the day when I let go of my desire, aversion, and general resistance to life. Sleep is a kind of resignation and relaxing moment of letting go. Most of the day, I have a background slight resistance or opposition to what is. A general sense of needing to control things, even when they are completely uncontrollable. There is this sense of needing to feel in control and in charge.

I rarely feel that same sense of allowing and letting go that I feel when I crawl into bed at night. I want to try and cultivate that same relaxation and letting go during the day. Accepting everything and letting go of any resistance.

Odd moments

I always enjoy the odd moments when I have a realization. I actually have very strong memories from my childhood and having moments of realization as a child.

One distinct one is as a child being driven home on Christmas Eve from my Grandma's house and contemplating that this very moment would soon be a memory and would I remember exactly what I was thinking and feeling in this moment?

I just had a great realization while walking to the bathroom. My stomach is upset and I've been feeling bored and unstimulated at work today. I've been looking for distraction and seeing my feeling of let down after a nice birthday weekend. Things have been exciting for me over the last few days and today has felt a bit of a let down from that.

But then I realized that this is okay too. Sometimes things will be exciting and sometimes they'll be boring. Sometimes my body will be healthy and sometimes it will be ill. But you can't have one without the other and there is no need to rebel or oppose what is. See it as only one part of all that is. This dullness will pass and things will again be exciting. That too will pass and dullness will return.

I was seeing how I try to prolong stimulus or excitement. For example, with my birthday I've had lots of love and contact with people I enjoy, love and miss. As my birthday passes, that contact diminishes and I feel a sense of loss or missing it. I email people and try to continue a flow of contact and love from these people but it is hard to maintain, as people are busy and I am living a long way away.

It truth though, if I maintained that level of contact, I would likely get accustomed to it and then need more and more to be stimulated. I would get desensitized to it to a degree. This often happens in relationships when we spend too much time with someone and then get sick of them or take them for granted. They lose they're shiny newness. So it's important for things to wax and wane leading to times of contact and times of distance. This maintains appreciation and prevents burnout.

No one would want to party and celebrate all the time. You would get sick of it and burnt out. That's what makes special events special. They only happen occasionally, so you appreciate them. So it's learning to allow the flow and appreciate it for what it is. See the feelings of coming down from stimulation and appreciate those feelings too. Appreciate it all for being perfect and being just what it is.

Special

So much suffering comes from making things special. And yet, despite knowing this to be true, I can't help myself but make things special and want special things.

Today is my birthday, it is a special day. Because it is a special day, I have expectations of what should happen today. People should be extra nice to me. I should have a special dinner, a special party or outing. People who love me should call and tell me so. I should get gifts and today should be good in general.

It's these expectations of specialness that lead to disappointment, sadness and suffering. If someone I love wrote me a nice card on any given day, it would make my day and bring me tons of joy. Because it is expected today, such actions are less valuable, they are expected and required.

Isn't that funny? By making today a special day, I'm actually setting it up for disappointment, and suffering. We do that same with events, people, things.

Expectations of a special person means that we require things from a friend or lover who we wouldn't require from someone who isn't "special". These expectations of the person and relationship lead to disappointment, stress, and suffering.

Why then do we deem things special? Why do we want to be special? If I could just be open to things as they are rather than as I label them and expect them to be, I would find much more pleasure, acceptance and joy in experiencing them. No expectations so no disappointment or loss.

Easier said than done, but worth exploring and working toward. Deeming the world and all within it special and equally worthy of love, time, and acceptance.

Accepting what you're given

I just had this great insight into relationships.

You have to accept what you are given in relationships. Not that you shouldn't leave detrimental or hurtful ones but rather that if you choose to be in a relationship, friendship, etc. with someone you have to be willing to accept what they are able to give, when they are able to give it.

For example, my dad does this very well. I know he would rather have his kids living closer to home, visiting him more often, and generally in his life more. But he accepts what my brother and I are currently able to give in terms of time, love, distance, etc. This alleviates any pressure on the relationship and probably causes my brother and I to try and spend more time and energy with him.

I know I have not always been the best at this. I think a lot of my discontent in relationships in general stems from not accepting what the other person is willing and able to give. Rather than acknowledging their limitations and accepting and embracing what they can currently give and share, I rail against this "insufficient" love, time, etc. and cause suffering for both parties.

Consider how difficult it is to be in a situation where things are asked of you that you know you can't and maybe don't want to provide. What a difficult position to be in. 

I am now realizing that the only way to approach this issue is to let go of expectations and accept what is given graciously and appreciatively. If this isn't possible, the relationship won't work.

Even friendships can struggle in this way. Some friends want more or less out of friendship and when those desires clash, problems ensue.

We must learn to accept what is given with love, appreciation and acceptance both romantically and in all interactions. We can not force another to provide something they choose not to or are incapable of. We can only love them as they are and embrace what they have to share.

This insight changes the perspective from a neediness in relationships to a loving embrace and acceptance of them. Only took me 29 years to figure out.

I am not my personality

Adyashanti talks a lot about the idea of self-inquiry. I haven't been doing a lot of it myself but it's a great concept and something I think we can all benefit from. We do so often just accept the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. These stories come from memories and the past and build upon one another to form how we see ourselves. The interesting part is that in reality, the past does not exist and so truly we only are what we are at this very moment. That means our story that we tell ourselves is false. It's just made up and yet we allow it to dictate so much of how we act and what we do.

I have a particular story and because of that story, I set expectations of how I will respond in a particular instance. I wonder if I were to lose my memory, if I would react similarly or not.

If I am only awareness and not my personality that what's to stop me from changing those parts of me that cause suffering. What's to stop me from revamping myself in this very moment? The answer is nothing. If I could let me story go and just be at peace with the moment it would be similar to letting my mind relax and allowing my body, my nature to take over and act in collaboration with reality and nature.

Drop the storyline, drop the mind made motivations, and just act true to my buddha nature. That's not so hard. Now do it again and again in every fresh moment.

Let the personality melt away and lose the attachment to this being called Cody. Just be the awareness and live in that space.

"We humans think we're such good..."

predictors of the future. But we're not."

I overheard someone saying this in a conversation and appreciated just how true it is. We humans spend so so so much of our time predicting the future. We use our past experiences as a basis to plan and predict what could potentially happen in the future. But if we took a moment to truly look, we would realize that we have no idea what is to come. No idea where life will take us or whether we'll even be alive tomorrow. There are no guarantees, no matter how hard we try to find them.

I say this and I feel it. I feel a sense of excitement for a world of possibilities and futures. A completely unpredictable tomorrow. Yet, under that sense of excitement is a fear. A fear that I am constantly stepping into the unknown and the world is constantly changing without anything to grab onto. Something I know to be true in this moment, in the next can be proven false. I find my mind grappling with this often. Trying to grasp the past. Trying to come to terms with change, people change, situations change, plans change, I change. I am nothing solid.

The idea of a permanent me is where this desire for solidity stems from. Yet this I is a fallacy. This I is built on memories and past experiences. This I truly only exists in this moment, as a feeling, sensation, experience. I do not exist as a culmination of my past. I am only now and thus I should not fear the flow of the life. The ever changing circumstances. It is only in wanting to solidify and grasp them that I experience suffering.

Alan Watts speaks of the idea of life being like water. That water can be beaten and trapped, etc. and yet it only yields as it is able and flows around the obstacles that arise. I love this analogy. We too can be like water accepting life as it is without rebellion, without suffering, just flowing as we are able, following gravity as it shapes and dictates.

Alan Watts also talks about the problem of humans relying upon their brains too much and not being in tune with their bodies enough. He talks about the innate knowledge our bodies have that we are out of touch with. Similar to the instincts of animals, we know when to eat, when to rest, when to have sex, when to migrate or move. But we choose to follow our mind's desires rather than our bodies. We over eat because our mind wants more pleasure. We are lazy or overly busy trying to reach goals our mind sets out for us. We lust after pretty people and superficiality rather than listening to our bodies and visceral appeal. We chase pleasures or avert pains based on thinking and intellectualizing that which our instinct and innate self knows.

I think meditation and finding space from our minds is the first step in tuning in to what our bodies need and know. Listening more than telling. Slowing down and feeling rather than trying to manipulate and dictate. Exercise and yoga too seem to increase our mind/body connection rather than increasing the divide. Choosing to be aware and allow the body to lead for awhile. I think we might all be surprised with how much our bodies know.

Silliness

‘You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.’ ~Buddha

Yes I do. We all do. Can you imagine if everyone in the world loved and was affectionate with themselves? What a different place the world would be! I'm working on loving myself, snuggling myself and feeling the fullness of not needing external love to feel validated. 

Validation is something we all strive for. Often in all the wrong places. Seeking validation via the opposite sex is one of the most common. Using them to build our ego and make us feel good. Whether subtly by dressing well and seeking compliments or more blatantly by pursuing casual relationships and getting people to fall for us. 

Part of me wants to deny that I do this, but why else do I put on makeup and wear sexy clothes. Yes, it makes me feel good about myself to a degree but it also has a strong underlying desire to get attention from men.

The older I get, the more I see through the silliness of seeking an ego boost through others. The more I see that connecting with people should be about being open to their spirit and a feeling of connection rather than about a superficial need to feel appreciated and valued. 

I also realize more and more how ridiculous it is that young people spend so much time trying to impress each other. Trying to stay young in appearance. Dieting, exercising, having beauty treatments, plastic surgery, the list goes on and on of all the ways we work to try and hold on to the attractiveness and appeal we once had. It's sad really. This desperate resistance to aging and change.

More and more I see how ridiculous it is that we judge one another by physical appearance. How insignificant and ridiculous that aspect of people is. Why do we place so much emphasis on something so unimportant? 

Problems

There will never come a time when my life is free of problems, things I wish were different, things I dislike. That's part of life. We all have things we wish we could change. Some are larger than others, but the suffering that comes along with them isn't necessarily proportionate to the size of the problem.

Don't you ever see people who seem so happy, grateful, and content who have very real, serious problems? Or people who seem to have everything they could want but can never be content, never appreciate what is right in front of them?

Being content is is a little like giving up. Giving up striving, letting those big goals relax and fade somewhat. Sure they can still exist, desires in the background but letting go of having the goals be the driving force. It's so easy to get stuck into wanting something better, a better job, more money, better relationship, more experiences. The thing we fail to realize is that there isn't possible enough of anything to fulfill this desire. There is always something or someone more to want to chase. That will never end. The only way to find contentment and to decide to find it. Let the striving go, relax into the now ans accept what is with appreciate and grace.

I constantly strive for something or someone who will make me happy. This experience, this job, this person will make everything perfect and then I won't have problems. Except it never works that way, there is no magic solution, nothing is perfect and constantly seeking perfection is a sure fire way to succeed in suffering.

Imbuing people and things with this magical quality of happiness. Seeing them as a means to joy or a solution to suffering is completely backward. Only by finding the happiness and love in your self can you truly find joy and dissipate suffering.

How did we all get it so wrong for so long? Who taught us we are all poverty stricken and desperately need to be filled up by others, things, stuff?

We all have our own things we seek, things we can never be content with. We all have our type of itch to scratch, our own burning desire or painful aversion. We all have this. What if we could drop all that for a moment and just embrace and relish what we do have and find peace and appreciation for that?

Agenda of My Personality

I read this line about letting go of the agenda of your personality and it really struck a cord with me. Isn't that what we're all doing all the time, running around trying to appease this personality that we cling so strongly to. The discomfort of doing things that don't appease our personality usually cause us to shy away and go back into the comfort zone seeking pleasure and safety in the same old ways.

I know for me, I experience anxiety when I am pushed outside of my safety personality zone, yet I almost always feel strong, renewed and invigorated having stepped outside what my personality naturally craves.

Less about suppression of natural desire, more about realizing that just because a desire or aversion arises doesn't mean you need to do anything about it. Pema talks about seeing the aversion, desire, or ignorance and not pushing it away but embracing it and watching it dissipate.

In a culture driven by me, me, me and consumption, I feel like we could all use a little impulse control. Just because I am feeling uncomfortable, either with desire or aversion, doesn't mean anything needs to change. Discomfort is okay, in fact, discomfort is often the signal that things are changing and expanding.

Food is a big craving, desire are for me. But it's also an area where it's easy to see the release when you let the craving pass without bowing to it.

It's funny how we all have our cravings and aversions and they can be completely opposite from one another. It's also funny how some cravings and aversions have earned cultural stigmas or "bad" labels while others are "good". People become addicted to exercise or controlling their diets and it's considered a positive thing (even when it's excessive). But people who are addicted to McDonald's and sex are deemed as deviants and people with no self-control.

It all just comes down to what we find pleasure in and how often we reinforce the cycle of craving, fulfillment, pleasure.

Self Honesty

We all lie to ourselves constantly and it's difficult to see because we don't know we're lying. We tell ourselves little stories about who we are, how we are, the world around us. These lies build our world and when we do finally see them, the world becomes a little less cloudy and a little more honest.

I just realized that I lie to myself about other people and my feelings toward them. In hindsight, I idolize people or detest them. I label them as bad or good and then brush the opposing characteristics under the table. If I do this with people in my life. I obviously also do it to myself.

It's so hard to see your faults. There are so many ways we justify our actions, no matter how wrong or inappropriate. I hurt people and justify it by feelings righteous or by putting my needs/desires above theirs. I place expectations on people that they can't possibly fulfill because the expectations are based on a make-believe person.

I just realized that some of the people in my life are not who I have painted them to be. I refuse to see the truth because it negates the image I have built. Yet, if I'm honest with myself and allow the truth to exist in actions and statements, I see how wrong my pictures can be. I see how they come out of my believes, hopes and desires rather than reality.

The same goes for how I see myself. Working on brutal honesty, wishing I had someone to do it for me. I feel like it's so much easier from the outside. Yet, most people would never be that brutally honest for fear of losing a friend or loved one. Maybe we all need someone who can be brutally honest. I'm sure it would be hard but with time couldn't we learn to love and appreciate the value of an honest self-perception? I think we could.

Seeing where I lie, seeing where I hide, seeing my shadows, seeing my shortcomings. Not to berate myself but to see honestly, accept and use this to open to other people's shadows and see them more honestly.

Love and Pain

I was reading some Pema about all the dualistic aspects of life. Love and pain are one that I've been dealing with a lot. Two sides of the same coin, closely intertwined, in that you can't have one without the other. Love will always result in loss at some point and that will bring pain.

I think growing up with my mom, I closely connect love and pain. Probably to a fault. Loving my mom has long been painful, and I feel like maybe I've subconsciously believed that that is how love should be. Without pain, love isn't real. How sadistic is that? But it does make sense with the ways that I sabotage relationships.

I think while I may have an unhealthy connection between love and pain, most people want one without the other. They see the pain as detrimental and "bad" when in fact Pema talks about seeing bigger. Seeing love and pain as part of one, they come together and neither is good nor bad. Both are intertwined in that they only come as a pair and can not be separated.

I feel that gives a healthier perspective on relationships. There are some amazing aspects and some painful aspects. Finding a happy medium and embracing both ends of the spectrum is the only way to sustain and truly embrace it.

On that note, I hope to work with my self-love as a seed by which to allow love and pain to coexist and appreciate both sides of the coin. Knowing that it's all part of the magic and you can't have one with the other and what's a life without love.

Rough days

It's funny how you can wake up in the morning and your mind is already hard at work. Today has been rough. Not sure why, nothing specific lies at the cause. I see myself trying to chase away the pain and sadness but it feels like I'm just running in circles. Trying to just allow and be with it but my mind desperately picks at it like a scab that won't be allowed to heal.

Days like this happen. I know this. I know it will pass, tomorrow will be different, better or worse but different.

If I can just give myself some love and space to allow these feelings to be. Just relax into it. Allow that soft spot to be exposed and touched and turn toward that experience.

Pushing away never helps and yet I do it time and time again. Why not pull it in, give it a snuggle and some affection.

Hi pain, it's good to see you again. Come on in and take a seat. Let's have a cuddle and snuggle.

Beliefs

The idea that those things about people that you find difficult to work with are the same things that you struggle to accept in yourself is a great thought. It makes all our external struggles motivation to look inward and explore where this struggle is within us.

I was considering today the idea of long term relationships, a happily ever after if you will. I find myself fluctuating between hope that this fantasy is true and cynicism that no such thing exists. Given recent events in my life, I'm probably a little skewed to the cynical side. But exploring deeper I see that maybe I have a deep underlying belief that no relationship can sustain. That they are naturally bound to fail and hurt.

I will readily express that this is what I want; a committed relationship and a family, yet I find myself doubting the possibility of this. Growing up I was given the idea that just when things are going well, life will jump up and knock you down. Nothing good will last and you shouldn't count on it. These thoughts are those of my dad who has had his share of difficulty in life and relationships and as a result has become somewhat cynical.

I feel like from this, I have acquired a fear of the idea of a successful, lasting relationship. So I choose partners who don't want or are incapable of such a thing and then I work hard to sabotage it. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy in many ways. Consciously I do believe that relationships can sustain and be a great catalyst for growth, change and the foundation of a loving family. But unconsciously I fear that, for I fear it's loss. If you don't ever have something, how can you lose it?

It's an interesting tug-of-war within myself. The desire to have my own strong family and the fear that this family I create will inherently become like the one I grew up in. Painful, broken and sad. I guess seeing this is the first step. Then coming to terms with this fear and seeing it for what it is and knowing that whatever happens, I am complete on my own and can endure whatever discomfort or loss that comes my way. Which it invariably will.

I think I've allowed fear to dictate my life in a lot of ways. Stemming from being a child who endured things that I was incapable of enduring at the time. So running away and shutting down was the best defense and method for enduring that I had. Now it's time to let go of these childhood tactics and release the fear and hiding that is no longer needed.

Interactions

I have been struggling with my housemate. Not in any large sense but rather in an irritating, feeling annoyed and generally not at peace. This morning was no exception but instead of turning away from my annoyance I looked closer and tried to see where it was coming from. Like they say, usually what we dislike or find annoying in another person is something we don't accept or enjoy about ourselves.

I saw that my housemate tends to complain a lot and often her complaining comes across as blaming or attacking. I had previously read in "Men are from Mars..." that men tend to feel this way "blamed or attacked" when the woman in their life complains or is upset. It was a real eye opener for me to see myself feeling this from my housemate and how much I disliked it. I felt very put upon and a strong urge to leave or extricate myself from the situation.

Interestingly enough I know that she is just seeking understanding from me. She doesn't really blame me (as it rarely has anything to do with me) or expect me to fix it. She wants me to commiserate and understand her being upset and validate it. This is what women always want when they complain or are unhappy. They just want someone to listen, understand, and validate their feelings.

Feeling both sides of this gender issue, has been really great for me. Because my housemate does this very strongly, I see it very clearly but it also makes me appreciate that I do this as well and encourages me to look at it more closely and work with and my interactions with others. I also can see the male perspective of how grating, irritating, and upsetting this female habit can be.

It makes me appreciate the need to explore the ways the genders operate differently and perhaps revisit that book. Not that one way of being is preferable, just that our habitual ways of being affect one another and understanding both sides can only be beneficial.