Small changes

It's amazing to stop and look back at where you've been and where you're going. I feel like things are constantly in motion, changing but really it's the big changes that make the little changes all the more visible. Big changes are scary because they are usually so abrupt, where as smaller day to day changes creep up on you without much notice.

Embracing change is a key to happiness and acceptance. I'm practicing with accepting little changes, in hopes, that bigger ones will get easier. Sitting with the change, with the not knowing, the fear of a future. It's funny how the mind can fall into optimism for something new, great and exciting or fall into fear of failure, loss and pessimism. I tend to oscillate between the two and am trying to actively invite optimism and hope rather than fear.

Realizing that nothing solid and never will be. I could find my happily ever after just to watch it change and change again. The only happily ever after is the one that accepts whatever is with love and joy!

Moral Dilemmas

While away this weekend, we had some great moral dilemma discussions. One of the guys on the trip brought along a book that gives little stories presenting a moral dilemma and then an academic discussion of the dilemma. Interesting how opinionated people can be.

I struggle with thinking that it's good to have an opinion and be able to defend and justify it but I also feel like it's good to see all sides of a perspective and not hold so tightly to one's opinions. Aren't these opinions and believes we hold to so strongly the same thing that causes war, suffering and hate?

But then, without opinions are we just puttering along, easily swayed in various directions without any true center or direction?

I don't know. I know I tend to be a people pleaser and have an easy time seeing multiple perspectives (usually). I tend to waffle on things because I can see how both sides of an argument have good points. I do tend to be able to make a decision or take a side when required, but it isn't something I naturally do. I don't tend to assert an opinion and defend it. Partially because I tend to avoid conflict and partially because I lack the passion to do so.

Passion is an interesting term. It is so often used in the positive context. Passionate about your career, etc. Yet Buddhism tends to see passion as the opposite of hate, and associate it with craving and longing. Is it possible to have passion without craving and attachment? I don't know.

Passion could also be seen as the opposite of indifference, which again is not desirable in that it is simply disengaging with the world. We need to engage passionately, but without attachment to outcomes. We can argue our point, as long as we aren't attached to it.

Making Me Feel

I just caught myself having the thought "I don't like the way this person is making me feel." Funny isn't it. This person, who sent my a rather rude email that seemed to have an accusatory/angry intention, wasn't making me feel anything. I was feeling an emotion as a result to the message sent, but it was my emotion and I have no way of knowing the sender's intention in the first place.

Likely, this person was trying to fine happiness for himself via the email.....regardless of the roundabout silly methodology that got him there. That's the point isn't it? Have more compassion and understanding because you can't know where someone is coming from but you can know that he or she just wants to be happy, just like you.

People hurt each other constantly and truly this hurt is always fueled by the desire to find happiness. How absurd! I try to remember this when I'm hurting or feeling pain due to someone elses actions, statements, etc. I can not know their intention and can choose how I let their actions affect me. I am not a mind reader and don't need to be. Give the benefit of the doubt, assume people are just trying to be happy and love them regardless.

Manipulating the View

It's amazing how we all go through live perceiving that the way we see the world is how it actually is. We just assume that whatever glass through which we perceive things, is the same glass the rest of the world is using.

Needless to say, when we stop and actually consider this idea, we see how absolutely absurd it is. No one sees the same world I do. No one has the same life experiences I do that have built my perception of the world slowly over many many years.

We all see the world in our own way, through our own opinions, emotions, experiences, etc. and luckily, we all also have the ability to change the way we see the world. The first step is realizing that our perception is not inherently true or right. Our perception is not without bias or false colorings. Thus, we must question every thing we see, feel and experience. We much questions what our minds tell us and we must question what false perceptions we overlay over the truth of what is.

We all have the ability to change our perception. Whether in small ways or in global larger manners. Just the other day I was feeling sad about something I have been missing. Something I use to share with a particular person and was sad to think that I won't get to have the shared experience again. But then I realized that that is okay, it's a positive experience and one I can share with someone else in the future. Things are forever changing so the habit of regret and sadness over things lost is useless. I have decided to change my view to see these things as something I can share with someone else or experience and enjoy myself. Something I have gained from the experience, nothing is lost, only kept as a memory.

Extremes

I tend to think in extremes. As in, always, never, all or nothing type thinking. If I take a moment to really consider this, I can see that these never really apply, as things are constantly changing moment to moment. There is no black and white, only lots of shades of grey.

These all or nothing thoughts and ways of the seeing world are not accurate and do not portray the world as it really is. It is a method for trying to find security, stability and guarantees. None of which we have.

Rest in the gray....know that things are always changing, good or bad, nothing is forever. Good comes and goes just as bad does. It's all just part of the dance, part of the swirling grey mess that we call life. Ups and downs, it's all good. It's all just as it should be and it's all changing all the time.

Not looking Outside Anymore

In working with self-love and finding inner strength and peace, I see just how difficult this is for me. I truly see this being my strongest and most difficult habit to change. I can't remember a time when I didn't look outside for love, support, strength, encouragement, etc. I feel like I have always told myself the lie that I don't need anyone and am fine on my own without others support, encouragement, etc. but I never truly felt or believed it.

I so desperately want to uncover, appreciate and embrace that part of me. The self-love and acceptance that allows me to find all the love, peace, joy and freedom I need within myself without external influences.

I feel like this simple task of feeling completed and utterly loved on my own would allow me to heal so much of what causes suffering in my life. All this desiring of things and people, all this need for acceptance and appreciation from others, all this seeking connection and support....it all stems from not seeing myself as being complete and loved on my own.

This desperate seeking for completion from the outside only serves to promote the idea that I am incomplete and in need of "other". There is no other, we are all connected, interconnected and complete and lovable on our own. I don't need anyone to tell me this or show me this. I am all the love that I could ever want.

Finding Joy

I think we all share the habit of the "if only I had........then I would be happy." I know that I find myself doing it all the time. Postponing happiness until x, y or z happens. I have been working lately to remind myself that if past history is any indicator (and it surely is) x, y, and z bring their own set of problems and reasons to be discontent.

There is no magical bullet. That new purse, car, relationship, job, pay raise....will NOT make me happy if I'm not happy now.

However, like all old, well-honed habits, this one is going to take awhile to break and need constant diligance. Every time my mind seeks something outside myself with a tiny (or voracious) hope that it will bring true happiness....I need to gently remind it that nothing outside myself can bring me the peace of mind and utter joy I so desire.

Only by letting go of these external circumstances and realizing the truth that peace can only be found by looking within, will I realize the joy I seek.

Looking Honestly

With a new found desire to look at myself honestly, I find myself stumbling upon things I previously have justified and pushed away. I am seeing more clearly that the parts of others that rub me wrong or tend to push my buttons, are often the same parts of myself that I hide and tuck away.

Not to dredge out my dirty laundry here, but it is remarkable how self-righteous I can feel when criticizing others (aloud or in my head) when truth be told, I am just as guilty of the same things. They may not be my big issues or something that I do often but they are part of my shadow self, a self I try to keep tucked away and hidden.

What kind of place would the world be like, if we could all take a step back and see our shadow selves? See our dirty little secrets, are ways of injuring others and ourselves, our inaction, anger and lust....and then embrace it all and make the vow to love ourselves in spite of it all but with an intention to reduce our own suffering and that of others.

To see honestly the suffering we cause, take responsibility for it, and take action toward right action. I plan to work toward this and I hope you'll join me.

The Reason

That moment of understanding why something that could be considered less than good happened and appreciating the good that has come of it.

I was at the gym this morning, running, and was appreciating that dislocating my ankle in January was a blessing in disguise. It made me appreciate my young, healthy, beautiful body for what it is rather than taking it for granted as I had been doing recently.

It made me realize that I need to be taking better care of my body and appreciating it while it's young and healthy, as that will not always be the case. So I started running. At first it was just a way to rehabilitate my ankle and get some exercise but now it has become something more than that. It's a way of respecting my body, appreciating it, and enjoying it's abilties.  

I've also started doing yoga daily. Initially for the benefits of keeping my achilles limber and trying to get my ROM back. Along with that has come other mental benefits as well and a habit I hope to keep for a lifetime.

It just goes to show that things do happen for a reason and everything does occur just as it should. Despite the pain, mental or physical, that may be required to reach this point. It is not without purpose and when seen in that light can be a turning point and a seed for growth and change.

I think it's easy to get swept up in sadness, self-pity, and victimization when things are going wrong or you're hurt. But if we can only embrace it as part of the path, it may take us to a stronger, clearer and lighter path than we ever thought possible.

My ankle still hurts, don't get me wrong. My achilles screams at me when I over do it and run for too long or stretch beyond my limits. But I treat it tenderly, I accept the soreness and know it's part of the recovery, part of the growth and is actually a positive sign as long as I listen to it and treat it with compassion.

It's all part of this beautiful path and needs to be embraced as such. I'm loving you today my sore little ankle.

Buddhism and all it's trappings

Yesterday was the start of Buddhist lent in Laos. This means that their were extensive ceremonies all around the city at various temples. These ceremonies happened to start at 4 am and involve load drumming, chanting over a loud speaker, and blaring music. They also involved Lao people buying gifts and food to donate to the monks.

I was definitely a little razed yesterday morning when I was ushered out of bed way too early. I hopped on my bike and headed to work, all the while watching my mind rant about Buddhism and Lao people.

I was watching my mind tell me stories about how religion (any and all religions) can be exploited by silly humans. We turn something as good as the dharma into a means to buy good karma, just as Christians and Catholics exploit their own beliefs to acquire wealth or dictate human behavior.

We use our beliefs (Buddhist or otherwise) to justify how we act and have some backing and rationalization about why we do what we do. It's amazing what you can justify...in fact I would say that most anything can be justified if we spin our beliefs the right way.

For example, in Lao, people won't stop to help at the traffic accident because their beliefs tell them that if they do and someone there dies, it will negatively affect their karma.

Now how did something like that come from Buddhism. How did it get spun in such a selfish way?

The funny thing is that we can't often see our own ways of exploiting our beliefs or manipulating them to justify something that isn't necessarily correct or loving. We are often very blind to these ways in which we deceive ourselves. I know I am. I am working to change that but it's so difficult to see your own blind spots. I think that is where we need to have loving people in our lives to help us see where we are stuck, instead of maintaining old habits.

I was thinking the other day about the idea of laughing at our old habits and seeing them for what they are. Pausing in the moment and choosing a different path. With every action, we can see how we are perpetuating our old habits and making them more ingrained and choose to go down a different path. We can choose a new way of being, doing and thinking. Every moment we have this opportunity. If only we can take the time to pause and consider our motivations, actions, and how they affect us and other people.