The Future

It is so easy to spend all your time plotting and planning for the future. That is so much of what we all do everyday. I think it's partially trying to achieve a sense of control and partially trying to avoid the current moments.

I like to plan things because it brings me joy and excitement for a future where things will be better, happier, more exciting, etc. Now is lacking and I seek was it is missing by planning for it in the future.

It also helps me to feel safe by seeming concrete and stable. By making plans, I feel like I have achieved something and have some control over the very uncertain future.

The problem with plans of course is that we waste away the now, looking into a nonexistent future and then become attached to this fictitious future and feel loss and pain when it fails to materialize.

So what can be done? How do I stop planning or at least stop using the planning as a life raft? How do I start living more in the now and less in the tomorrow?

Slowing down

I feel like I need time when working with my habitual responses. It is when I am rushed and feel pressured that I slip more easily. When I have time to see my reactions and actions, I am more likely to stop myself or reevaluate things. The problem is that our human interactions happen so fast that it's hard to slow down enough to catch my habitual responses rather than follow them. One method I use is to go quiet and internalize to try to work with the emotion rather than express it. I think this can be perceived as shutting down but it is my way of working with what is. Can I learn to work with what is without giving off the feeling of shutting down? I'm sure I can, I just need to learn it. Maybe verbalizing emotions rather than expressing or internalizing is better. Tell someone I am feeling sad or mad rather than getting quiet or acting pouty. I will try this.

Letting Myself Go

To "let oneself go" is a negative thing in the west. It means you've been slacking on your hygeine, beauty and general self-control. But truly to let oneself go is the path to enlightenment, right? It is turning outward to the world and letting go of this idea of seperate self. The self that we all so desperatley protect and yield to constantly.

I know that the few times when I do let myself go and completely direct my attention, effort, etc. outward is when I am at my happiest and most fufilled. It happens with children, puppies, patients at work, close friends and lovers. I am most stressed and sad when I am fearful of injury to self. When I am guarded and scared of being ridiculed or injured. Is it possible for me to let myself go when I usually put up walls to protect myself?
I think so, it will just take practice. These habits are long ingrained.

Learning to let myself go is my new resolution. Doesn't mean I'm going to pack on the pounds or stop my beauty routine but I am going to consciously give up protecting my little self and let it all in. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I'm going to start by just being aware of to what degree my little self is putting up the guards. Check in and see where my attention is, outward or inward.....usually some combination of both.

Fear

Fear is such a big motivator in all of our lives. Whether we see it and acknowledge it or not. I have been battling with my fear of physical injury lately. Coming off having dislocated my ankle, I am extremely gun shy with anything that could potentially result in pain. It's obviously the freshness of my pain and injury and my body not wanting to endure that again. Although, it truth shouldn't I feel assured by the fact that I did endure the pain and could, if need be, again and again?

The same goes for other aspects of life. Fear of death, loss of love or loved ones, relationships, the list seems endless. What truly is there to fear in any of that? Yes, there may be pain but pain is not the end, it is growth and change and it is truly amazing how much we as humans can and will endure unscathed.

It does help to realize that whatever happens, it is just what is meant to happen and any resulting pain will pass like all things. It will likely cause growth and change and lead in a new direction than before. Why is that something to fear? Not always comfortable but nearly always survivable and if not, you won't be around to worry about it.

So the fear of change, suffering, etc. I can't see a use for. My new plan is to face fear, any fear, with acceptance of whatever shall come, knowing and trusting that all is as it should be. I have even come to snuggle that ache that arises. That pain that underlies many aspects of our lives, and that fear of new, scary, or undesired things. My ache and fear often revolve around love and not getting enough from whom I want to. But once I accept this ache and fear and find compassion for myself, it's as though my own love can comfort the ache. The ache doesn't leave it just gets comfortable and stops causing such a ruckus. It settles in for the long haul.

I think in the past I have strongly pushed away my pain, not wanting to experience it. This only leads the pain to feel neglected and occasionally, burst to the surface for some attention. Rather than kindly acknowledging the ache and keeping it content, neglected pain seems to strengthen and return again and again. I'm learning to snuggle my ache and it's learning to snuggle back.

Fear of physical danger on the other hand seems to have a certain intelligence to it. We fear pain and bodily harm for good reason and a sensible dose of fear would keep us from stupidly or unnecessarily putting ourselves in harms way......so to motorbike or not? That is the question.

Directing Outward

I'm a very self-involved person, I think it comes as part of being an introvert or maybe just of being shy. But I spend alot of time inside my own head and worrying about myself, my actions, my impression on others, etc. I just read how becoming enlightened or in touch with reality causes one to become more outwardly directed. The focus shifts to others rather than self. In realizing that self and other are not seperate, attending to others becomes natural. No longer, is little me the center of the universe. Rather I am just another participant like all beings moving about in the larger scheme of things.

This is an interesting concept to me and one that seems very useful. Suffering and pain seem to follow closely with self-involvement and preoccupation. How often does one suffer when you are looking and acting outward? I would think much less than when dwelling and ruminating inwardly. It seems like we are happiest when swept away with something outside ourselves. When in that flow state where the little me seems to get lost. If only we could maintain that sense in everyday life.

I feel simply choosing to remind myself to focus on other is a step in the right direction. Focus on their wellbeing, interest and needs rather than my own. Perhaps, like any habit, focusing outward will grow and become a normal way of being rather than the exception. Looking out more often than looking in.