Victim and Dictator

I realized awhile ago that I have a specific way of relating to the world. I tend to take on the role of victim in most aspects of my life. I see life as something that happens to me, and I am at it's mercy. Simultaneously, this role of being a victim comes with an urge to control or try to dictate things as much as possible. It's an interesting combination of feeling a lack of control and therefore struggling to control those few things I feel I am able too. These extremes have not served me well and have lead to lots of suffering, in large ways and small every day ways. With this in mind, I am working toward finding a middle way.

Realizing that life is perfect and happening just as it should. I am not a victim but am also not in control. I can make efforts to move in specific directions. I can examine my goals, needs, wants, etc. and act purposefully to achieve these. I can also appreciate that life has it's own agenda that may not coorelate with mine. That life's agenda needs to be accepted whole heartedly and with the understanding that it is perfect as it is.

I do not need to be on guard or fearful, especially in meeting new people or trying new things. I am not a victim and people are generally good, loving, and accepting if you are open and receptive to them. I am not a victim who needs protecting, by myself or anyone else. I am a strong, capable person who can allow herself to open to all that is and will be without fear or hesitation.

I have experienced and endured a lot of pain in my life but that only goes to demonstrate that I can and will survive, grow and find success despite past hurts. Pain is not something to fear, anymore than joy or love is. It's resistance to pain or fear of future pain that causes the true suffering. I know much of my own suffering comes from fear of future hurts. Hurt that will likely never occur or if it does, will not be as life threatening as my mind believes.

I don't have many large fears, no phobias to speak of and find myself to be brave with large life changes. More that I have a background hum of fear of discomfort, sadness and pain. A mild fear that imbues most of my life with hesitation, inaction, and at times, lethargy. Lack of action or engaging comes from fear of what will occur if I do engage. I do find that the more I engage, the more I see that the good outweigh the hurt.

Engage in life today, openly and without fear. See how fear and victimization cause you to seek validation from outside yourself, then see if you can't give yourself the validation and love you need.