Repeat

Sometimes I feel like my mind is stuck on repeat. It tells me the same stories over and over again. I've read that this is the minds way of integrating painful things. The reason we relive some memories repeatedly is to allow them to integrate and sink in. It's how we learn to accept them, so to speak.

I find it challenging and frustrating to have my mind be so relentless at times. Especially when it gives me some relief briefly and then returns as strong, if not stronger than before. I've been working with the idea of snuggling and embracing my mind and it's crazy rantings. Trying to love it and have compassion for its struggles.

Moving the body does seem to counteract this mind struggle some. Yoga and running both allow some space and relief from a challenging mind. Somehow the physical exertion allows the mind to rest and let go of the perpetual stories it tells.

I guess there needs to be a compromise of taking time to sit still and watch the mind, lovingly embrace it's wandering adventures and then time of physical exertion and relief from mind rantings.

It is helpful to see things changing, albeit slowly. Finding those same issues or feelings arise but seeing them for what they are, allowing and accepting them and not chasing them down the path they lead. Ever so slowly, seeing and acknowledging the change in self and the value in practice.

Delving deeper

I'm considering engaging in some kind of intensive retreat, with the idea that this type of thing could be a springboard to a deeper, more committed practice. It's a daunting thought, as some places require a year long committment. But perhaps that would be helpful for me. I see that fear is the hinderance here. I fear missing out on life by choosing to devote a year to meditation and practice. I fear loosing things, friendships, relationships, etc. My mind tells me to consider shorter term situations. Which realistically may be more feasible anyway. It is interesting to watch my mind consider this situation. The fear of committment that comes up in it. What happens is I want to change my mind? What if it's absolutely horrible? What if I miss something important in my life that would have or should have happened? It seems to revolve around missing out on something better. As I write this I'm having an interesting realization, as one who rarely fears committment, I am now getting a taste of where that fear arises from. It seems to be a common fear for people. It seems extremeley difficult for me to disseminate the fear and emotion my ego/mind bring up and the desire or drive that causes my heart to want this. Interesting how fear can mask other things.

Fixing things

Listening to Pema today, she talks about how difficult it is to change. Not just the actual change itself. The acknowledging the need for change and the gradual gentle shift in ways of being but rather the difficulty in the rest of the world allowing you to change. We all fix each other with mental ideas of who or how they are. We develop an idea of how a person is and solidify them in our mind. In doing this, we close off ourselves to the idea that they are constantly changing and that it is highly likely that our fixed idea of how they are no longer holds true. Pema uses the example of a woman who worked with her aggression to become a more accepting and gentle person and how she said that it took two years before anyone in her life noticed that she had changed. The people in her life had a fixed idea of who she was and had fixed patterns of interacting with her (being prepared for her aggression) so they were never present to the moment and the current interaction with her.

We also do this to ourselves. We build mental constructs of who and how we think we are and tell ourselves over and over again that we are this way and in doing so just solidify the idea all the more. I've been telling myself my whole life that I'm shy, introverted and struggle with interpersonal relationships. When that could all change with some effort and work on my end. I could change it in my next interaction with someone. There is nothing solid about me or who I am. It is all constantly in flux and fluid so choosing to be or act a certain way comes in each moment.

This makes me think that I need to work on allowing more. Trying to give people the benefit of the doubt and the freedom to be who they are in that moment rather than projecting previous actions, interactions, and feelings upon them....and hoping eventually they can do the same for me.

Suffering

Watching the move "One Day on Earth" yesterday was really moving for me. It made me realize how easy it is to get lost in the details of my own small little life an forget that an entire world exists well beyond my scope.  I feel like one of the biggest things that makes us as humans selfish and seperate from one another is this getting lost in our cares and concerns. All it takes is a peak into the world at large to open your eyes to the larger picture. I feel like it's important to be in contact with that larger picture. It puts things in perspective and keeps the little things from getting too heavy.

It also makes me want to connect with something larger than myself. Some effort that makes a change on a larger scale. I guess I need to look into that.

The movie to me seemed to capture the idea that life is suffering. Not that it's all bad by any stretch but just the inevitable changes, loss, and death that we as humans all face. It's amazing how Americans can be so so incredibly rich and yet it makes little or no difference to happiness and contentment. We are still all constantly seeking. It's sad really. I know I see it in myself. A discontent of wanting more, better, this, that, the other.

It makes me think that the key to happiness is cultivating contentment. Accepting what is and embracing it as best you can.

Connecting

It's amazing how easy it is to forget that we as human beings all go through the same things. We all have the same hangups to a greater or lesser degree, we all experience the same emotions to a greater of lesser degree, and we all avoid and seek things to a greater and lesser degree. The idea of feeling isolated is so ridiculous when you actually consider just how similar we all are. None of the emotions, situations, or relationships we have are unique to ourselves. I am continually surprised at how comforting it can be to simply acknowledge and recognize this. Either through conversations and connection with people or through reading about certain human situations. Tonglen is so valuable in this. As a reminder and a way of working with all the pain and joy we experience. As a way of opening to the world and the people who inhabit it. It's so easy to get wrapped up in your own small little existence and forget that we are all just a small part of a larger existence. I hope to stay in contact with that realization more and more and implement Tonglen as a daily practice.

Prying

I watched a movie where a son was snooping through his deceased father's closet...looking for something, anything that connected him to his lost dad. I had an overwhelming memory of doing something very similar with my mom. Because my mom was sick before I was old enough to know her, as I grew up and missed her and wanted to know her, I would snoop through her things hoping to find a piece or clue of who she once was. I don't remember how old I was when I did this but it was definitely searching for this woman I lived with but couldn't know or understand. I remember stumbling across a love letter my dad had written her before she became ill. I think it helped me to know her a little better and see her through the eyes of the man who loved her before she became ill.

I see the direct coorelation between this snooping I did as a child and snooping I did with Garrett. It was never intended as malicious, more that I think I was again searching for a way to know him. Know him in ways I didn't feel like I could otherwise. It also is conditioned. We didn't talk about the past much in our family. I guess because my mom wasn't well enough to reminisce with my dad about positive past experiences. Something that I think builds a foundation and sense of story to a family. So the idea of asking about the past is scary and foreign.
The problem is that knowing someone comes from sharing of information, not taking of information. The connection that grows from gradually learning about someone is the value, not the facts themselves. Those are irrelevant, as they no longer exist. It's the sense of sharing, connecting, and learning about another human.

Frustration

I asked a friend of mine this afternoon if she knew where the closest ATM was, as I needed to cash to be able to get a ride home from work. The ATM I usually go to was broken. She sent me directions which I quickly read through and assumed I knew where she was referring to. However, 3 ATMs later (none of which were the one she directed me to) and an hour of walking in 100 degree weather, dripping sweat and carrying groceries and a heavy bag, I found my mind getting pretty frustrated with myself. I saw the frustration, laughed at my silly mistake of not reading something carefully and assuming I understood it. Luckily I saw myself starting the barrage of insults against myself and instead was able to have compassion for all people, especially those who make this sort of error often.
I  felt my frustration direct itself outward at people in no way related to my situation and then had the realization that frustration, any and all frustration is about ourselves. We often feel that it's about someone else. Them not understanding us or them not doing what we want. But truly it's all about myself. Frustration is just a feeling of our inability to accomplish something...then we direct it outward at the closest thing or person. All this helped my frustration slip away and miraculously a functioning ATM appeared on the horizon followed by a convenient tuktuk and I was homeward bound.

Trust and Giving

Trust is giving without knowing what will be returned. The world currently works off the idea that we only give when we know it will be returned.

This lack of trust keeps us from opening up. Creates a stalemate, where we butt up against one another's walls and are unable to compromise because neither is willing to give before knowing he or she will get in return.

Where does this lack of trust come from? Is it innate or learned? What are we so afraid of? Losing, being taken advantage of, looking stupid, being made a fool? Why is that so bad? Who does it really hurt to be made to look silly or stupid or be taken advantage of. Maybe that's the most compassionate, giving thing you can do. To give, knowing you may very well be the loser in the situation. This idea of protecting oneself. Protecting one's ego, one's heart, one's self. What is the worst that can happen? Perhaps our heart can break in a way that allows everyone in. Perhaps the pain can open us to the pain of the world, amplifying our compassion and touching that soft spot inside, deep down where it's scary to go.

Can I work at allowing the pain to open me up with compassion rather than shut down with fear?

Shenpa

Shenpa can show up in so many ways. It seems to present itself differently in different people. I wonder if my shenpa is as obvious to other people as theirs is to me? I guess it must be.

It's as if the shenpa is a cloth thrown over your head which is readily apparent to everyone who sees you wandering around with a cloth on your head but to you it just feels like the world has gone a little dark and fuzzy.

Pema talks about telling one another when you see their shempa and I think that's a great idea although difficult to do. It takes a lot of openness and willingness. It's easy to do with the light stuff but the heavier it gets, the harder it is to see through the shempa cloth, even when someone points it out to you.

The hard part is that shenpa usually appears in relation to someone or something and it's hard to ask for a moment to step away and work with the shenpa. And before you can even attempt that, you must be mindful enough to see the shenpa arise.

I do find that I am slowly becoming more mindful of my minds many stories it tells. The fictions it writes a million times a day and the stories it insists on putting on repeat. My gut reaction is always to tell it to shut up, but I'm working on just smiling and laughing at my silly imaginative monkey mind. I feel like my mind has written an entire wall of novels over my lifetime. Some of the good ones it likes to reread again and again. As if to remind me just how imaginative and crazy it can be.

Passive living

Walking home from the gym this afternoon, I had a sudden insight. I was thinking back to this last weekend, and the Pi Mai party and all the new people I was hanging out with. The Pi Mai party involved a giant water fight and simultaneous dance party. While I was definitely up there dancing and getting drenched in water, I never once took it upon myself to dump water on anyone else. I find that odd. Every other person at the party was busy splashing water around except me.

Then I started thinking about the Basi ceremony at work last week. Part of the ceremony is to give blessings to one another via tying a string around the others wrist while wishing them blessings. Again, I accepted many blessings and was offered many but didn't give any away.

This theme of accepting or receiving but not giving just clicked in my mind as something I do in many areas of life, primarily interactions with people. I put myself in a passive role of accepting whatever is given but not extending myself to give or reach out to anyone.

Similarly, in my experiences of making numerous new friends in Lao, I rarely invite people to do things. I will willingly accept invitations and enjoy making plans with people but someone else usually has to instigate it. Why is this? Why am I in this role of passive acceptor rather than activity participant? I assume it must be conditioning and habit.

Even in relationships, almost all the men I have dated have approached or hit on me or at least let it be known that they like me. I rarely pursue anyone.

Does this all stem from fear of rejection? Or maybe it started that way and has become habit. It isn't natural to me to reach out to others. Even people I enjoy and am not afraid of rejection from. Like so much of our conditioning I suppose it's something to see and work with. Perhaps with a more conscious effort to give, and extend myself. Be the first to give a hug, plan a date, etc. I feel like all conditioning, practice is where the change can be found.

On the other hand, passivity can be good. It keeps one from grasping too much, seeking constantly. The other end of the spectrum is the constant pursuit of more, better, etc. I guess like most things, it's a balance to be found.

Connection

The feeling of being left out or isolated has been a theme throughout my life. While meditating today, I explored that sense and where it comes from. It's definitely self induced and not true.

I had a strong memory of being a small child and having all the adults talking about mom being sick and what they should do about it. I don't remember specifics other than being quite scared and feeling isolated and knowing they were talking about my mom, me and something bad.

It's this same sense of being on the outside that I feel when I'm with groups of people now. I know it comes from within me rather than from any external source. No one is purposefully leaving me out, more that I put up walls leaving myself isolated and keeping out any feeling of acceptance or warmth.

I crave the comfort and warmth of connecting with people. I love those rare times when I am at ease with a group of people and the connection and warmth is radiating within the room or space we're in. I feel like that is what I seek constantly. I seek that in relationships etc. except it isn't something that can only come from one other person, it needs to be a larger group to feel the larger sense of connection.

There are definitely times when I allow my walls to come down and feel this acceptance. I enjoy those moments immensely. Sometimes it happens with people I know very well and sometimes with groups of people I don't know. It seems to help to have someone by my side that I am comfortable with but not necessarily a requirement.

I want to look further into this habit of mine and see if I can't let the walls down and feel the sense of connection more often. I feel it is something I have been seeking my whole life without consciously knowing it. I find it at times, and yet I don't know that I ever realized what it was I was finding. Just a sense of well being, connection, and love.

My idea of family is strongly attached to this sense of connection and acceptance. I think having my mom's illness be an elephant in the room my whole life has skewed this for me and so it's something I seek constantly. I need to allow it and give it rather than seek it. Let the walls down and project the acceptance, connection and love I hope to find.

Exercise

Why is it that even when we know through direct experience that something is helpful and makes us feel good and healthy, we refuse to do it? I don't know but I ask myself this question every time I exercise. I feel like exercise changes who I am. After a yoga class or going for a run, it's as if I become the person I want to be. That sounds extreme but it's true. After exercise, I'm happier, more outgoing, more confident, less self-absorbed, more energetic, and more positive. It's makes me wonder if the chemicals in my brain that control happiness and mood are not a little off kilter. Do other people feel the effects of exercise so drastically?

If I can find a way to exercise daily, preferably in the morning and afternoon, I feel like I would be well on my way to being a happier stronger person. It seems so simple and yet so easily gets sidelined. From now on, my goal is to exercise daily (preferably yoga or running or both) and see after a month or so how I'm feeling. I'm guessing the outcome will be good enough that it just might stick.

Why has it taken me 28 years to figure this out? Silly.

The Outer Child

I came across this idea that we all have an inner child, an outer child, and then our adult self. The inner child is the sweet innocent, needing part of us that wants love and gets scared. The vulnerable inner core if you will. The outer child is the protective, overbearing, impulsive part of us that grasps what it wants, throws tantrums, yells and screams and pleasure seeks. The adult self is the everyday acting self that walks around and interacts with the world.

The idea behind this is that we all have these three aspects to ourselves but often don't acknowledge or work with them. So the inner and outer child remain ignored with intermittent appearances depending on the situation. For example, you get injured emotionally by someone you care about, your inner child feels scared and sad, so you outer child throws a fit to push away the injuring party. The adult self deals with the repercussions, by feeling a deep sadness and regret at the outer child's actions.

It is interesting to look at oneself this way. Acknowledging your various parts and interacting and accepting them but not letting them run rampant. Creating a dialogue and gentle acceptance of the various components that make us all tick and integrating them lovingly.

Love

Who knew that love was all about giving? Why was I never told? Somehow, I grewup thinking love was about getting. Something to seek and find in others rather than provide for myself and give away. How did I learn this?

Loving others is the easiest way to feel loved. Being away from home, there is nothing I prefer more than looking at pictures of people I love and feeling that love fill me up. Yes, it's nice to connect with people too. Especially people who truly know me. But even more than that connection is the idea of thinking and feeling them with love. Sending them a warm embrace and kind word. How did I never know how easy love is?

I guess the next step is taking my loving-kindness a step further and allowing it to radiate out to everyone. Loving everyone for being human, and being buddha nature. If I can do that, what's to stop the world from being a loving, embracing, amazing place. If I can just love everyone first and ask questions later. It opens everything up and fills me with all that love I give away.

My gut reaction is to fear everyone until proven kind, and trustworthy. Turning that around would be life changing.

I keep coming back to this weekend I spent at a meditation reatreat at Cloud Mountain. Not that the meditation instruction was anything special or that the environment was all that amazing. It was rather the noble silence of spending three days with people, closely interacting without the need or ability to speak or communicate. It gave me such a sense of connection, a sense of being, existing and loving. That experience keeps coming back to me....probably as a lesson that I have yet to adapt in my everyday life. The lesson of interconnectedness and loving-kindness to all.

If I could only feel that connection and bring it into all my interactions with others, how could my life be anything but filled with love, and bliss?

Hiding

I hide in boredom. We all hide somehow. Running away from the current moment. We all have different techniques and methods for hiding but we all do it. Some of us hide by planning for the future, being overly busy so we don't ever have to slow down and just be with ourselves. Some of us seek pleasure constantly, grasping at whatever we see that pleases us. Some of us hide by failing to engage. I seem to hide through boredom and failing to engage.

I try not to commit to things and keep my schedule open but then find my mind complaining of lack of excitement and boredom. Rather than make decisions and plans and accept whatever comes from that. I hide by keeping my free time open and then feel sad in my boredom. Truly, I should never be bored because meditation and watching my mind could occupy any free time I have. But I avoid that and push that away with a promise of future action, future work.

Scheduling is good for me. I need to schedule dedicated time (beyond what I'm currently doing) to meditate daily and more so on weekends. To get outside and enjoy fresh air. To exercise and engage with my body via yoga. Truly my days could be filled with these things, yet my mind grasps at doing something productive. Running errands, cleaning, etc. seem more productive to my mind.....and yet which will bring true happiness, peace and enlightenment. Surely the dished can not achieve that.

Seeking Outside

As much as I know that everything I need and will ever need is inside me, I constantly am seeking comfort outside myself. A cup of coffee, a tasty treat, a good book, anything to distract me from my mind and the current moment. Even meditation, yoga and the like seem to become distractions at times. My ego gets pumped up when I meditate and feels all spiritual and proud. I seek spiritual literature and groups to help me feel like I'm accomplishing something. Why is everything about grasping, getting, improving, obtaining? Why can't I just be? Be content and happy as is? Why do humans find that so hard? I have moments of content acceptance but they flit away so quickly.

A read a Buddhist sign talking about gluttony and the negatives of eating for pleasure. It saddened me because I do love food. But I can see the point that if one is attached to tasty food, one can easily spend a lifetime seeking out new tasty foods and will likely become obese as well.

All things in moderation....and without attachment. I'm not sure I believe in non attachment. I see the value in reducing suffering by acknowledging and knowing that all things pass and end. So any attachment will bring pain. But part of attaching is accepting this fact. Maybe it can be seen as non attachment if you can just accept that it will pass and are willing to allow this without adding suffering and struggle upon it? Is that what non attachment is? Or is it truly not wanting anything to maintain.