Why we do what we do

I just had this realization that we all have these ingrained ways of interacting with the world based on what we have done previously, what our parents do, etc.

I saw how I don't ask for things I want or need from people for fear of causing them suffering if they are not able, willing to provide the thing I want. So instead I sit passively aside and hope things go as I want. Then I feel let down or upset if things don't go as I want and it comes up in other ways.

This example was the opportunity to be in a photo with Hillary Clinton. She is visiting COPE and I was secretly hoping to get to meet her or be in a photo with her but figured I shouldn't ask as the woman coordinating it all seems stressed enough anyway. However, a colleague asked and was given permission so then I felt like I could and should ask. Luckily, it wasn't too late.

But I've done this before. My brother asked me if I wanted to be in his wedding. I knew lots of Saleema's friends were viaing to be in it so I said no, hoping to save Saleema some stress. But when it came down to it, I did want to be involved and should has just stated my desire from the beginning. Trying to filter or restrain my needs or desires to save someone else suffering does not work. I can't know how they will react to my request or how it will affect them. It's good to be sensitive to others but there comes a point when you have to be true to yourself and allow them to interact with that however they will.

You don't want to disregard their feelings, but you can't read minds and I all too often think that I can. I see myself as being helpful or compassionate but truly I am just being untrue to myself.