Grief and Strength

I feel like I've spent my entire life with a certain amount of grief that I hide away. It's something I think I have long tried to deny or minimiz as much as possible. I don't know if that is the best way to work with it though. I wonder if it doesn't just come up in other ways.

My mom's illness has long been a source of great pain for me. When she's ill, I feel sad about all that she has lost and I have lost by not having her in my life. When she's well, I feel sad for her sadness and loss (my dad, the many years she can't remember). It's so hard to see or talk to her either way.

I think this grief permeates the rest of my life in a lot of ways. I fear losing people that I love and get too attached, or I avoid getting attached at all and opening up to people.

I am not sure how to work with this pain, as it is often just a background hum of sadness and loss.

I guess it is similar the story of a monk who inadvertantly cause someone to take his own life. When asked how he got that feeling to go away, he thought about it and said that he didn't. The feeling of sadness and remorse never went away. He just didn't resist it or deny it. He learned to accept the cherish it as much as the positive feelings.

I guess I need to be more accepting of my grief for my mom and know that it is just a demonstration of my love for her. If I stop resisting the pain, perhaps it will be more manageable and I can start to see how it seeps into other aspects of my life and be more aware. I can accept that I and my brother are doing the best we can with what we have and trying to help our mom as much as we can. That is all we can do and the pain is natural. To not feel pain would be abnormal.

Pain is not the bad guy. In this situation or any other, pain is the other side of joy and love. You can not have one without the other. This why relationships can be so hard. To love someone is to give them the ability to cause you pain. To open to them with the possibility that they may hurt you. It's a very brave thing to do. Loving is choosing to accept both sides of the coin love and pain equally.

I have to accept that I love my mom and my grief and sadness are just evidence of that. Pushing away the pain is similar to pushing away my love for her. Both are impossible. Let the resistance go, accept what is openly and try to embrace it.