Beliefs

The idea that those things about people that you find difficult to work with are the same things that you struggle to accept in yourself is a great thought. It makes all our external struggles motivation to look inward and explore where this struggle is within us.

I was considering today the idea of long term relationships, a happily ever after if you will. I find myself fluctuating between hope that this fantasy is true and cynicism that no such thing exists. Given recent events in my life, I'm probably a little skewed to the cynical side. But exploring deeper I see that maybe I have a deep underlying belief that no relationship can sustain. That they are naturally bound to fail and hurt.

I will readily express that this is what I want; a committed relationship and a family, yet I find myself doubting the possibility of this. Growing up I was given the idea that just when things are going well, life will jump up and knock you down. Nothing good will last and you shouldn't count on it. These thoughts are those of my dad who has had his share of difficulty in life and relationships and as a result has become somewhat cynical.

I feel like from this, I have acquired a fear of the idea of a successful, lasting relationship. So I choose partners who don't want or are incapable of such a thing and then I work hard to sabotage it. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy in many ways. Consciously I do believe that relationships can sustain and be a great catalyst for growth, change and the foundation of a loving family. But unconsciously I fear that, for I fear it's loss. If you don't ever have something, how can you lose it?

It's an interesting tug-of-war within myself. The desire to have my own strong family and the fear that this family I create will inherently become like the one I grew up in. Painful, broken and sad. I guess seeing this is the first step. Then coming to terms with this fear and seeing it for what it is and knowing that whatever happens, I am complete on my own and can endure whatever discomfort or loss that comes my way. Which it invariably will.

I think I've allowed fear to dictate my life in a lot of ways. Stemming from being a child who endured things that I was incapable of enduring at the time. So running away and shutting down was the best defense and method for enduring that I had. Now it's time to let go of these childhood tactics and release the fear and hiding that is no longer needed.