Indifference

This idea of how we are all so very indifferent to the people around us. We are surrounded by people constantly and yet are often completely indifferent of them. We don't connect with them, feel for them or engage in any way. Even the idea of looking around you and acknowledging that we are all part of the same thing and in this together so to speak.

Part of me sees this and feels how true it is and how liberating and emotionally satisfying it can be to acknowledge and embrace this truth. Another part of me feels scared. Scared that engaging too much will deplete myself. I feel a wall that is inside me trying to keep out connection and interaction with others that I worry I won't be able to handle.

I think my "shyness" as it is often labeled comes from this fear of engaging with others, worried that they will exhaust, overrun, and deplete me. I feel the need to maintain a wall and prevent connection in order to prevent this from happening.

Can I try letting down this wall and seeing how it goes? Can I acknowledge that I am not a finite source and can not be depleted? Can I see that if I do feel overwhelmed or exhausted I can easily retire to myself and recharge? Can I see that connecting with others will not deplete me but give me a greater sense of connection, love and embracing life?

I think this is both a learned habit (from my parents) and also something born into my personality. I think the key is to acknowledge and accept it while also seeing that it is nothing to fear or avoid. I can work with it in small ways and be more aware of when this fear causes me to avoid things, people or put up a wall to maintain distance.

The exhaustion I often feel from interacting with others comes not from them but from me. From my need to maintain distance and constantly check myself. From my constant worry of what they will think of me. Rather than allowing my self and spirit to be free and bloom on their own. I spend ridiculous amounts of energy trying to keep them in check and examining myself and others reactions.

Give up the fight, Cody. Relax into it and let it be.

Doesn't Come From the Outside Anymore

The realization that the outside, the circumstances of life will never make you happy. No matter how perfect, how pleasurable, how ideal they are. Circumstances are bound to change and bound to disapoint. Perfection, itself is a myth. There is no perfect partner, perfect job, perfect life. Without the negatives, there would be no positives. Yet we all constantly strive to line our ducks up in a row in just such a way to find perfection and avoid pain. Why? Why do we do this relentlessly knowing that it won't work?

We all have our own method of doing this. Some people are seekers. Constantly seeking pleasure in food, people, money, etc. Others are avoiders, constantly pushing away that which is undesirable. Then other people just remove themselves and act indifferent to life in general.

I think we all do these to a certain degree in different ways depending on were we find pain, pleasure and what we all together avoid.

The realization that none of these actions of moving toward and away will ever bring true happiness. Finding that perfect job, partner, house, car, body will never bring the type of happiness acceptance of what is will. It's the striving that causes so much of the suffering. If we could let go of the striving and accept the good and bad of this moment, we could find eternal peace.

I think some of us know this and yet subtly think to ourselves "okay I'll accept everything as it is but I'll also just strive a little bit after this attractive person, or strive a little bit toward my perfect relationship." Why is it so hard to let go of the grasping? I know I lie to myself about it. I tell myself I'm content and that getting a new partner or another job won't fix anything. But I also see myself longing for things, people, and circumstances. It's as if, I have yet to truly accept that I already have everything I need.

Lying to ourselves. Brutal honesty. So much easier said than done. I was just telling myself the other day that I'm not vain and am not caught up in aesthetics of myself and others. But then I watch my mind when I go to the gym or when someone compliments me or flirts with me. I see my ego expand and enjoy the pleasure of being desired.

It's all about trying to see ourselves more honestly. Seeing where we're deceiving ourselves. Seeing where we're lying. Why is it so much easier to see someone elses lies about themselves?

I can easily see when someone else is getting their ego stroked and trying to tell themselves they are altruistic or it's not about them. It seems so much easier to see another person's justifications to themselves but so difficult to see our own. I guess that's why we stay stuck. It's difficult to see where you're stuck when you're in the middle of it. It's easier just to avoid the difficulties and seek the pleasures rather than take an honest look at what motivates you.

Pain as a Blessing

This morning listening to Pema talk about compassion and pain, I realized that we can shift our thinking to see pain as a blessing. Pain, regardless of whether it's mental, physical or other, is the root of compassion for our fellow man. She was talking about using Tonglen for Leprosy or Aids patients and how the pain of their disease can be their salvation at the same time.

If you can use your pain as a means to feel, see and appreciate the pain of all humans, you are able to open with love and compassion to all beings who have at one point or another experienced pain too. If you never knew pain, you could not find this same love and compassion.

It turns things around by seeing our pain (all of it, the big lifelong aches or the minor inconveniences) as a means to open and get in touch with compassion and love for everyone and their pain.

I know that the things in my life that have caused me pain have really been blessings and the reason I pursue spiritual teachings and have brought me to where I am today. If I can only see these pains as means to enlighten and means to find compassion, using it for good rather than dwelling in it.

I can find compassion for all people with mentally ill relatives (which according to statistics is 1 in 3 people) and people who have lost someone they love. I can find compassion for people with chronic illness that impedes them from living a normal life.

Truly when I look at my pains in this light, I can find compassion for everyone. For every human has experienced some of the pains I too have experienced. Using pain to cultivate compassion, now that's a good use of the rest of my life.

Giving

I am what I give, not what I receive.

I definitely have a habit of seeking comfort, happiness and security outside of myself. I also tend to blame others if they are not giving me what I need.

The idea of changing your thinking, so that I give what it is that I want to receive. I give love. I give acceptance. I give time and loyalty. All of this reflects back on me and shows who I am. Rather than constantly seeking, as if I am empty and lacking.

I think this is essential in all relationships. Giving to the to the other rather than seeking what they can provide you with. I plan to try this today in my relationships. Giving what I need. Listening when I need to feel heard. Communicating when I need to know what they are feeling. Loving and accepting who they are in this moment.

Letting it Pass

I am getting much better at seeing my emotions and letting them pass. They still carry me away a bit, but I am finding ways to limit what action I take. Instead of jumping in and doing the habitual thing, I write down my feelings and desired actions. This allows me to express them and seems to help with letting the emotion pass more quickly rather than becoming a source of rumination.

I notice how much better I  feel having allowed the emotion to run it's course without perseverating on it or acting it out. It feels like a sense of relief where as previously I would often make an impulsive action or statement and then feel a certain amount of dread or regret at being so impulsive. I am learning to let the impulse pass and wait until the feeling dissipates to look at the situation and determine if action is required or would be useful.

This is an exciting step and change for me. I feel like it will positively effect most areas of my life, especially particular areas where I tend to be more impulsive and emotional. It feels like I am giving away a burden I otherwise must carry. The feelings still come, but I can now see and know that like everything, they will change and pass. There's nothing to get so riled up about. It's all just passing clouds and my mind can continue to grasp or push away, but I can see this action and don't need to let my actions follow my mind.

Grief and Strength

I feel like I've spent my entire life with a certain amount of grief that I hide away. It's something I think I have long tried to deny or minimiz as much as possible. I don't know if that is the best way to work with it though. I wonder if it doesn't just come up in other ways.

My mom's illness has long been a source of great pain for me. When she's ill, I feel sad about all that she has lost and I have lost by not having her in my life. When she's well, I feel sad for her sadness and loss (my dad, the many years she can't remember). It's so hard to see or talk to her either way.

I think this grief permeates the rest of my life in a lot of ways. I fear losing people that I love and get too attached, or I avoid getting attached at all and opening up to people.

I am not sure how to work with this pain, as it is often just a background hum of sadness and loss.

I guess it is similar the story of a monk who inadvertantly cause someone to take his own life. When asked how he got that feeling to go away, he thought about it and said that he didn't. The feeling of sadness and remorse never went away. He just didn't resist it or deny it. He learned to accept the cherish it as much as the positive feelings.

I guess I need to be more accepting of my grief for my mom and know that it is just a demonstration of my love for her. If I stop resisting the pain, perhaps it will be more manageable and I can start to see how it seeps into other aspects of my life and be more aware. I can accept that I and my brother are doing the best we can with what we have and trying to help our mom as much as we can. That is all we can do and the pain is natural. To not feel pain would be abnormal.

Pain is not the bad guy. In this situation or any other, pain is the other side of joy and love. You can not have one without the other. This why relationships can be so hard. To love someone is to give them the ability to cause you pain. To open to them with the possibility that they may hurt you. It's a very brave thing to do. Loving is choosing to accept both sides of the coin love and pain equally.

I have to accept that I love my mom and my grief and sadness are just evidence of that. Pushing away the pain is similar to pushing away my love for her. Both are impossible. Let the resistance go, accept what is openly and try to embrace it.

Resting in What Is

The more I watch my mind, the more I find it sweeps me away. I find peace as I gently return myself to my current moment, my current breath, my current self.

Resting here in this moment feels like home. It feels warm and snuggly. My mind seeks a future and relives a past, but my happiness is here, now. It always has been and always will.

In looking back, I realize that even if the times when I should have been reveling in the joy and pleasure of the moment, my mind was fretting and fearing the future. Most often I tend to pull my self away from enjoyment with fear of the future or fear of losing the enjoyment of now. How ridiculous. I never experience the pleasure of now if I'm constantly fearing it's loss. It's already gone or never was.

Focusing on the now. Living in this moment and enjoying it as truly fully as possible. Knowing full well it will slip away only to be followed by another moment that will be equally as perfect and needs to be equally as treasured.

Selfness

If you stop investing it with “selfness,” the mind loses its compulsive quality, which basically is the compulsion to judge, and so to resist what is, which creates conflict, drama, and new pain. The moment that judgment stops through acceptance of what is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace. First you stop judging yourself; then you stop judging your partner. The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond the ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over. There are no victims and no perpetrators any more, no accuser and accused. This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody else’s unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate–in love–or move even more deeply into the Now together.

Appreciating what you have or have not

We all have those moments that help wake us up to just how wonderful our life truly is. Sometimes they're simple moments such as seeing someone who has great suffering or difficult circumstances, sometimes it's the threat of losing something, sometimes it's just hearing another person's problems.

A good friend of mine told me today that she's unexpectedly pregnant. Not the end of the world, as she's married and has another child already. However, this was not planned and has not been the blessing it should be. Instead it's a complication to an already complex life and situation.

While I shared support with her and told her that it's obviously meant to be even if it's not planned. I realize how easy that is for me to say yet when things similarly happen in my life, it is much more difficult to see a bigger, wider picture.

I am currently appreciating the simplicity of the where I find myself. In six months, I will quit my job, go traveling for an indefinite period of time with no further plans beyond that. If I were in my friend's position, there is no way that would be possible.

I am deliberating on going into a long term retreat, going back to school for a masters or PhD, working in one of a couple cities, the options are endless. This brings fear and uncertaintity to a certain degree but also excitement, opportunity, and endless options.

I get to choose my next step and further path without consideration of any other humans (well not completely but almost) and without obligation. If I want to travel until my back account is empty, I can.

This freedom is invaluable and yet the compromise of starting a family and "settling down" is some of this freedom is lost. You must consider others, as they depend on you. My friend, I think, has done an excellent job thus far in her life to have a family and still embrace an unrooted lifestyle and a freedom that many people see as impossible.

I don't envy her current perdictament but I know it is what's meant to be and will likely take she and her husband wonderful places with new adventures and opportunities.

I just need to remind myself that the same holds true for me when unplanned and unexpected events arise, good or bad.

Victim and Dictator

I realized awhile ago that I have a specific way of relating to the world. I tend to take on the role of victim in most aspects of my life. I see life as something that happens to me, and I am at it's mercy. Simultaneously, this role of being a victim comes with an urge to control or try to dictate things as much as possible. It's an interesting combination of feeling a lack of control and therefore struggling to control those few things I feel I am able too. These extremes have not served me well and have lead to lots of suffering, in large ways and small every day ways. With this in mind, I am working toward finding a middle way.

Realizing that life is perfect and happening just as it should. I am not a victim but am also not in control. I can make efforts to move in specific directions. I can examine my goals, needs, wants, etc. and act purposefully to achieve these. I can also appreciate that life has it's own agenda that may not coorelate with mine. That life's agenda needs to be accepted whole heartedly and with the understanding that it is perfect as it is.

I do not need to be on guard or fearful, especially in meeting new people or trying new things. I am not a victim and people are generally good, loving, and accepting if you are open and receptive to them. I am not a victim who needs protecting, by myself or anyone else. I am a strong, capable person who can allow herself to open to all that is and will be without fear or hesitation.

I have experienced and endured a lot of pain in my life but that only goes to demonstrate that I can and will survive, grow and find success despite past hurts. Pain is not something to fear, anymore than joy or love is. It's resistance to pain or fear of future pain that causes the true suffering. I know much of my own suffering comes from fear of future hurts. Hurt that will likely never occur or if it does, will not be as life threatening as my mind believes.

I don't have many large fears, no phobias to speak of and find myself to be brave with large life changes. More that I have a background hum of fear of discomfort, sadness and pain. A mild fear that imbues most of my life with hesitation, inaction, and at times, lethargy. Lack of action or engaging comes from fear of what will occur if I do engage. I do find that the more I engage, the more I see that the good outweigh the hurt.

Engage in life today, openly and without fear. See how fear and victimization cause you to seek validation from outside yourself, then see if you can't give yourself the validation and love you need.

Thoughts as medicine

I don’t need anyone but myself

I am wonderfully loveable and love myself

No one can fulfill or reproduce the love my mother wasn't able to give me

I need to love myself first and foremost

I need to be able to feel whole and complete on my own.

I don’t need anything more than I already have!

If we can accept things as they are, we are invincible.

All is as it should be

Things, all things, happen as they should. No regret, nothing lost, for all of this has lead to this moment which will lead to the next, just as it should.

I find myself, at times, struggling with regret. I have to remind myself that all that occurs in my life, whether I label good or bad, happens because it needs to happen. This is the flow of life and the best I can do is see my own habits, work with my own mind, and see where life goes from here.

No control and no remorse. The past is not worth analyzing. Perhaps, enjoying and accepting but the habitual action of reliving past incidences is worthless and detrimental. Planning for the future could be said to be likewise fruitless, to a degree. We never know what will happen or where we will go. The best we can do is do our best in this moment and ride the waves without struggling against them.

Choice and Control

I just had the realization that I can choose my state of being. Maybe not my mind, but beneath that I can choose to rest in the peace that is there. Why do I forget this?

I don't have to be swept away with my crazy monkey mind. I don't have to be saddened by my stress or insecurity of the future. I can choose to be in the present and be with the peace that is always available to me. All I have to do is choose to be there. Let the mind wash over me as it will, let the stresses and worries just rush past as they will.

I read this great statement about being more like water. How we tend to be too solid and run into walls and persist in pushing through when instead we could flow like water around whatever the obstacle may be. Flow with what is, being flexible and allowing. Allowing people to abuse us as they may, but like water giving with the punches and accepting whatever may be.

Water or a river doesn't choose it's path, it takes the path it is given. It flows where it can and allows itself to be shaped by what already exists and goes with the flow.

The moment I see this and allow myself to flow with whatever my mind is experiencing, I feel an overwhelming sense of relief. The simple act of acceptance and allowing brings with it such a sense of well being. The act of giving up the delusion of control is one of the smartest things we can do for our own happiness and peace of mind.

Searching

I had a crazy dream last night probably brought on by stress and books I've been reading. Regardless of the cause, my mind has been frantic all day. Searching for some kind of relief. Searching for comfort. The problem is that my habitual place I use to find comfort no longer exists so instead of finding comfort, I find greater suffering when what I'm searching for can not be found.

Why does my mind do this? It knows that this comfort is not to be found and that even if it were, it would not cure the stress I am experiencing. Why can I not just see the stress, and discomfort as it is and be with it or take action to address the cause? Yoga seems to help some but my mind is relentless. Grasping, searching, longing. It's so frustrating. I try to cradle it but I feel like I'm lost in the circular pattern that just abuses myself.

Maybe it's my resistance to the suffering, to the memories, to the pain. My resistance and frustration how things seems to persist. Just when I'm feeling strong and happy, memories burst in to cause me sadness and remind me of loss. I guess it's all about time and memories weakening and letting go eventually. Perhaps it's all just a waiting game.

Why we do what we do

I just had this realization that we all have these ingrained ways of interacting with the world based on what we have done previously, what our parents do, etc.

I saw how I don't ask for things I want or need from people for fear of causing them suffering if they are not able, willing to provide the thing I want. So instead I sit passively aside and hope things go as I want. Then I feel let down or upset if things don't go as I want and it comes up in other ways.

This example was the opportunity to be in a photo with Hillary Clinton. She is visiting COPE and I was secretly hoping to get to meet her or be in a photo with her but figured I shouldn't ask as the woman coordinating it all seems stressed enough anyway. However, a colleague asked and was given permission so then I felt like I could and should ask. Luckily, it wasn't too late.

But I've done this before. My brother asked me if I wanted to be in his wedding. I knew lots of Saleema's friends were viaing to be in it so I said no, hoping to save Saleema some stress. But when it came down to it, I did want to be involved and should has just stated my desire from the beginning. Trying to filter or restrain my needs or desires to save someone else suffering does not work. I can't know how they will react to my request or how it will affect them. It's good to be sensitive to others but there comes a point when you have to be true to yourself and allow them to interact with that however they will.

You don't want to disregard their feelings, but you can't read minds and I all too often think that I can. I see myself as being helpful or compassionate but truly I am just being untrue to myself.

Blame

Yesterday I had a couple instances of seeing myself and others react to blame.

First of all, I received an email from a work colleague that I was CC'd on responding to an email from a doctor pointing the finger at me for not doing something. I saw myself get defensive and not wanting to accept the blame. It's irrelevant whether I was at fault, as my mind instantly put up it's defenses of not wanting to be blamed. I wrote a response email that tried to be diplomatic but I'm sure my ego shown through brightly.

Then, later in the day, my translator was blamed for something being translated incorrectly. Another foreigner had written the English version and she felt blamed that the English version was confusing. She then passed the blame to another colleague who had advised her on the topic.

More so in the second scenario, but a little in both, it's interesting to see how hard we all work to try to pass the blame. Especially when there is any debate on whether we are at fault to begin with. We don't want to accept responsibility ever. It hurts our ego to feel that fault placed on us.

The thing is that in the second scenario I could see how insignificant this blame and issue was. But it was no more insignificant than my email scenario from the morning, and I remembered how strongly that had brought up my defenses and ego.

It was a great learning experience due to the fact that the situations were so similar yet I was in a different place in the scene. It makes me smile to see these things even if it is only little by little that they become more clear and accessible.

Happiness, positivity and unconditional love

I was just reading about happiness and how we all have a skewed vision of what happiness is. We tend to see it as the moments of ecstasy that come oh so briefly and then flit away rather than the background acceptance and embracing of whatever is. Moments of ecstasy are often tainted with the feeling of grasping onto this moment or trying to recreate it in the future. Either way, we don't truly enjoy these fleeting moments anyway. The article also talked about positivity and how much positive thought, speech and action can affect your ability to be with a unshakeable sense of happiness.

So I am making the commitment to stop my habits of complaining, self-degrading, and mean or rude thought, speech and action. I plan to start with stopping saying negative things as that is one of the easiest to see/hear. I will make a commitment to notice when I complain or bitch and to make a conscious effort to be more positive and optimistic.

I feel optimism and positivity go hand in hand with unconditional love. Dropping the conditions and embracing myself and others as I am and as they are. Right now, in this moment, without stipulation.

Unconditional Love

I've been seeing more clearly how my love is often very conditional. I had and still do have a list of things I want from people in order to deem them worthy of my love. I'm trying to work with that. Pema talks about using compassion to melt attachment, especially in love relationships. I feel like it's really important to my future happiness to find a way to be less attached and more unconditionally loving. I need to get better at loving people regardless of whether they are doing what I want or how active they are in my life. I do deep down just want everyone to be happy, but my selfish desire of "me first (my happiness first)" often takes over.

My ego argues that I need to get mine first. I need to make sure I get what I want, need, etc. before giving away my love. The problem, of course, is that if we all do this, why would anyone ever love unconditionally. Why would anyone love period? We never get all that we want and need from anyone. It's the nature of being human.

I need to learn to love first. The only love I have is the love I give. This trying to get love from others is hopeless and fruitless. I already have all the love I need. I don't need it from anyone else. Work on cultivating that love and letting others be as they are. Love them exactly as they are without expectations of what you might get in return. That is the true path to happiness.

*Past, Present, Future

*It is well known to police who investigate traffic accidents that two
different eyewitnesses, both completely honest, may give conflicting
accounts of the same accident. When we see just how unreliable our memory
is, we will not overvalue the past.We can bury it, just as we bury a person
who has died.We bury the coffin or cremate the corpse, and it is done with.*

*Do not linger on the past. Do not keep carrying around coffins full of
dead moments. If you do, you weigh yourself down with heavy burdens that do
not really belong to you. When you let go of the past, you will be free in
the present moment. As for the future—the anticipations, fears, plans, and
expectations—let that go too. The Buddha once said,“Whatever you think it
will be, it will always be something different” (MN 113,21). This future is
known by the wise as uncertain, unknown, and unpredictable. It is often
useless to anticipate the future, and in meditation it is always a great
waste of time.*

*~ Ajahn Brahmavhamso

After you've thrown the book...

Pema talks about how often we don't see what we're doing or how swept away we are until after we've thrown something or hurt someone. I'm feeling that way today.

I know there are multiple factors playing into why today has been so rough and why I'm struggling so much. And while I can see myself being swept away, it is incredibly difficult to stop. I see myself throwing books all over the place and yet can't stop it.

So much easier said than done. I guess if you at least see it, that's the first step. Then being able to laugh about it rather than use it as more ammunition for shame and sadness. Days like this are so hard. Days when my emotions seem to run away with me.