Pema Chodron talks about how times of great pain can be moments of great opportunity because it gets serious real quick. I feel like I am here. My shit is hitting the fan in a very large way and I'm hunkering down for the long haul. The dharma feels like a life raft right now, and I'm hanging on for dear life. If I thought I was exploring the dharma before, I was only grazing the surface. Yes, I've made changes and had some great insights but where I'm at now, the need for some freedom has gotten very real very fast. Learning to stay. Learning to stay with my naseousness, with my thoughts that this pain will never end, that there is no possible way I can survive this. Learning to stay. Every moment, again and again. Accepting what is in every new moments. Accepting my loss, accepting my fear, letting go of all that I cling to.
My heart is breaking open in a very real way. All over again. I know I will survive and move forward and grow and change and be happier and stronger in the end. I know this, in every cell in my body. Yet, the naseous is unwavering, the pain unrelenting and here I sit, on the razors edge. Trying to keep my mind from expounding on the dilemma, causing more pain and suffering. Knowing that this is as it should be. That this needs to happen to free myself. This pain is necessary and is the otherside of love and attachment. Withdrawals, fear and pain will break me open and prepare me for a new future and a new life.
Focusing on myself, my life, my pain, how to take care of and love myself. Letting go of seeking love and support externally. Knowing that I am all I have and knowing the greatest gift I can give myself is staying with this pain and suffering and letting it transform me. Leading to a better, stronger me.
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