Relief

It's interesting how complicated emotions around certain situations can be. Relationships especially. Feeling torn and pulled in a million different directions is hard. I've just been experiencing a sense of release in letting go of old hope and desires. Obviously, that sense of relief is tied to other more difficult emotions, like sadness, loss, heartache, and at times, hopelessness. There is a certain degree of release at accepting lack of control and accepting what is, regardless of how painful. Letting love go is extremely hard for me. I think it comes from losing  my mom's love at such a young age. It left a sense of need for external sources of love and it's hard to see one of those sources disappear. There is a fear that another source will never come. Of course, if I look inward, all the love I need is already right there.  But it's also liberating in that it allows me to let go of seeking love from that source. It allows me to give up hope. Which, while it sounds bad, is actually part of the Buddhist philosophy. Giving up hope of fruition. Letting the goal go and just enjoying the journey. There is a fine line between despair and acceptance. I'm walking that line and falling off repeatedly. But I guess that's all you can do.