This last year has been one of the hardest of my life. I've suffered more this last year than I can remember ever before. I guess that reflects the minds way of moving forward and letting old hurts grow dim with time. I know that a large amount of my suffering is self-induced. I know that much of it is helpful in breaking open my heart, breaking old harmful habits and putting me on a better course for my life in general. But it's been a hard, long process and often during it I've seen how nearly every person in the world has been or will be in a similar position, feeling similar pain. In fact, I feel worse for those people who never allow themselves to be where I currently am. Who build walls and maintain distance to keep from being broken open and feeling fully the pain of love and loss.
I have learned a lot through my suffering, and it's changed me in ways I probably can't yet grasp. It's daunting to know that it isn't yet over and will likely come again into my life in another shape or form. But I'm trying to be grateful for the silver lining. For changing and growing and breaking out of old habits rather than continuing and further engraining them.
Some days I don't know where I will find the strength to make it through and those days are tough, very tough. But other days I feel my own strength and wonder how I could ever question it. Like all growth and change, it hasn't been easy and that in itself is a lesson and a memory to keep.
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