Passive living

Walking home from the gym this afternoon, I had a sudden insight. I was thinking back to this last weekend, and the Pi Mai party and all the new people I was hanging out with. The Pi Mai party involved a giant water fight and simultaneous dance party. While I was definitely up there dancing and getting drenched in water, I never once took it upon myself to dump water on anyone else. I find that odd. Every other person at the party was busy splashing water around except me.

Then I started thinking about the Basi ceremony at work last week. Part of the ceremony is to give blessings to one another via tying a string around the others wrist while wishing them blessings. Again, I accepted many blessings and was offered many but didn't give any away.

This theme of accepting or receiving but not giving just clicked in my mind as something I do in many areas of life, primarily interactions with people. I put myself in a passive role of accepting whatever is given but not extending myself to give or reach out to anyone.

Similarly, in my experiences of making numerous new friends in Lao, I rarely invite people to do things. I will willingly accept invitations and enjoy making plans with people but someone else usually has to instigate it. Why is this? Why am I in this role of passive acceptor rather than activity participant? I assume it must be conditioning and habit.

Even in relationships, almost all the men I have dated have approached or hit on me or at least let it be known that they like me. I rarely pursue anyone.

Does this all stem from fear of rejection? Or maybe it started that way and has become habit. It isn't natural to me to reach out to others. Even people I enjoy and am not afraid of rejection from. Like so much of our conditioning I suppose it's something to see and work with. Perhaps with a more conscious effort to give, and extend myself. Be the first to give a hug, plan a date, etc. I feel like all conditioning, practice is where the change can be found.

On the other hand, passivity can be good. It keeps one from grasping too much, seeking constantly. The other end of the spectrum is the constant pursuit of more, better, etc. I guess like most things, it's a balance to be found.