Connection

The feeling of being left out or isolated has been a theme throughout my life. While meditating today, I explored that sense and where it comes from. It's definitely self induced and not true.

I had a strong memory of being a small child and having all the adults talking about mom being sick and what they should do about it. I don't remember specifics other than being quite scared and feeling isolated and knowing they were talking about my mom, me and something bad.

It's this same sense of being on the outside that I feel when I'm with groups of people now. I know it comes from within me rather than from any external source. No one is purposefully leaving me out, more that I put up walls leaving myself isolated and keeping out any feeling of acceptance or warmth.

I crave the comfort and warmth of connecting with people. I love those rare times when I am at ease with a group of people and the connection and warmth is radiating within the room or space we're in. I feel like that is what I seek constantly. I seek that in relationships etc. except it isn't something that can only come from one other person, it needs to be a larger group to feel the larger sense of connection.

There are definitely times when I allow my walls to come down and feel this acceptance. I enjoy those moments immensely. Sometimes it happens with people I know very well and sometimes with groups of people I don't know. It seems to help to have someone by my side that I am comfortable with but not necessarily a requirement.

I want to look further into this habit of mine and see if I can't let the walls down and feel the sense of connection more often. I feel it is something I have been seeking my whole life without consciously knowing it. I find it at times, and yet I don't know that I ever realized what it was I was finding. Just a sense of well being, connection, and love.

My idea of family is strongly attached to this sense of connection and acceptance. I think having my mom's illness be an elephant in the room my whole life has skewed this for me and so it's something I seek constantly. I need to allow it and give it rather than seek it. Let the walls down and project the acceptance, connection and love I hope to find.