Jealousy

I received an email today advertising a dharma talk regarding jealousy and envy entitled "the dark secret". I was drawn to the email despite knowing the talk was to be held in California, nearly halfway around the world for where I currently call home. Somehow, that email was speaking to me and luckily I was receptive enough to hear the message. The brief email spoke about the ego and it's ties to jealousy and what a hard and self-destructive emotion it can be.

I think I have always had a tendency towards envy and jealousy. As an introvert who generally observes things from a removed distance, I was often envious of things I saw as being out of my reach, for any number of reasons. It also seems to tie in with a kind of vicitimization and self-pity. Admiring, and longing for that which I didn't have and feeling lacking and unempowered.

It's amazing how many of us feel this "black hole" or strong sense of lacking. I believe it is very much a western trait to perpetually be grasping (things, people, experiences) to fill this void without ever turning to look at where the void came from or why it is there. I can only think that that must be a habit adopted in our cultural. A culture of striving, grasping, climbing. A culture of discontent if you will. To be satisfied and stop seeking is often seen to have given up.

Back to my particular flavor of emptiness. As someone who identifies as shy, the majority of my jealousy and envy focus around people and relationships. I envy those for whom friendship, socializing, and connection come easily. I am jealous when my few and precious loved ones form new relationships and connections. This jealousy stems out of fear I believe. I fear losing those I love. When one has difficulty making friends, it makes them all the more precious.

Logically I know that having loved ones love others is in no way detrimental or about me and yet jealousy has never been one to be rational. If anything, I would likely grow my circle of friends and loved ones were I to allow this expansion to happen. Allowing the love and friendship to multiply and manifest through sharing openly. This truly seems feasible and worth exploring further.

Jealousy hits full throttle however in loving, sexual relationships. It seems that the stakes are higher and the heart more invested. The threat also appears stronger, in that a lover who strays is quite different than a friend who seeks new or other friends. Where does the possessive aspect of love come from? My evolutionary instinct tells me, a woman seeks to defend and keep a man as a provider for her children, warding off other females who may steal his energies and efforts. However, in this day and age, a man is no longer "the" provider. If a lover strays, it is primarily an emotional affront rather than one of survival.

For me, I see this to be true and yet, my jealousy and underlying fear, do not abade when shown only an emotional threat. Jealousy also seems to arise as or with a desire to control and thus a current lack of control. Control being a strong component of all human suffering. Our desperate belief and desire to control that which is beyond our control. Inquiring about control is an amazing process and another topic of it's own.

Is trust the antidote for jealousy? Trust in yourself to be enough. If there is no lacking, there is nothing to grasp and nothing to be jealous or envious of. I can only be jealous of that which I do not possess and yet if I am already complete and whole as I am, there can be no grasping and no jealousy.